Inbox for Avalon

[morganknight]

You've reached Morgan Knight.
And I'm not here.
Go.

Comments

[morganknight]

If we don't eat everything, a pint can be saved. If we want more than scoops provide, we'll be sorry to not have more. The choice is obvious.

[ichoosefight]

Good point. I guess we're gonna find out if they sell cookie dough ice cream by the gallon.

Should I get you something too, then?

[ She accepts the challenge of eating one gallon of ice cream before it melts. ]

[morganknight]

See, until you asked that I thought we were going out together, but if you wanna grab something and pop over here, you better bring me some tribute!

[ichoosefight]

Doesn't make much difference to me.

[ She just wants to eat ice cream and remember that there are nicer people in the world than Tim Drake. ]

[morganknight]

C'mon over then.

[Whatever's eating her, he'll probably have an easier time coaxing it out of her here than out on the streets.]

>action;

[ichoosefight]

Be there soon.

[ And so she is, carrying one gallon of Neopolitan and 2 pints of Cookie Dough in grocery bags. The smile she manages when he opens the door is tired, but real enough. ]

Hey.

[morganknight]

Hey.

[No need for words beyond that quite yet. Instead, he sweeps her in for a quick smooch hello, then turns to head for the stairs and the actual livable space above the dojo proper, an arm around her waist.]

[ichoosefight]

[ She follows along quietly, but he probably expected as much. She knows she'll have to explain at some point- she's not being subtle- and has been struggling to define what exactly she's feeling and why. Her mind is in a bit of a jumble after the talk she had with Minako.

She sets the ice cream down when she has the chance, but holds on to one of the containers of cookie dough. She's not sharing it. ]

[morganknight]

[That's okay. Out of three, she could totally have one whole one all to herself!]

[The living quarters include a kitchen, oddly enough, despite Morgan's awareness that he is not and never intends to be even half-decent at cooking. He has friends, though, right? One of them might want to borrow it sometime. And he did make sure the dojo had room to house more than just himself, should he ever meet someone who needs a place to stay.]

[So she can drop them on the table while he grabs some spoons, and offers one up to her.]

[ichoosefight]

Thanks.

[ She holds the spoon in the hand she uses to pry open her container and immediately starts digging in. They should probably sit or something, but the sugar is already a comfort. ]

[morganknight]

[With an air of infinite patience, Morgan takes her arm and gently guides her over to the kitchen table, and a chair there. Sit, dear, sit.]

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph huffs between bites at this behavior, but drops into the chair with no real protest. The ice cream stays hugged to her stomach, though, so she has the best possible leverage to scoop with. ]

[morganknight]

[Morgan drops into a chair with less of a thud than it looks like he should have made, snagging the neopolitan in the same motion.]

No rush.

[Because at some point she's going to start talking about what happened, and they both know it.]

[ichoosefight]

[ She has a few more spoonfulls, staring at the carton while mulling things over, before she slows down to just poking the ice cream with her spoon. It's another few moments before she finally speaks up. ]

Do you ever feel like... you're running around in circles? Like, you've been working so hard for all this time, but it turns out you're right back where you started?

[morganknight]

[Morgan tugs his spoon out of his mouth, then flicks and swishes it at her like he's casting some sort of spell.]

For years, yeah, I did. Wasn't even a feeling, I wasn't getting anywhere ever, no matter how hard I tried. Not entirely my fault, but mostly. Almost entirely.

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph looks up, almost hopeful. She's in too heavy a mood to pay any attention to his antics. ]

What did you do?

[ Since he doesn't seem to feel that way now. ]

[morganknight]

I started focusing on what I really wanted. Not what I thought I wanted, and not just surface level stuff, but what I really wanted beneath it all. The sort of thing where you ask yourself what you want, and then why do you want that, till you get an answer.

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph sighs, pushing her chair back and sinking down to rest her chin on the table. The ice cream stays in her lap, and she lifts her head just enough to take another bite before setting it down again.

What does she want? To not care about the approval of people she looks up to? To find an excuse that clears her conscience like a magic eraser? To be told it's okay that hundreds of people died, and she only made things worse? ]

Right now I just want to stop feeling like crap.

[morganknight]

So why do you feel like crap?

[She had to expect that question, after all. Morgan keeps eating, but his eyes never leave her.]

[ichoosefight]

[ For a while she doesn't answer, still trying to figure out how to explain. It isn't because of the attack. It isn't even because of anything Minako said, not really. Hearing what sounded like 'she isn't strong enough to be a hero' hit pretty hard, but at some point she went from talking about the past to reliving it.

After a moment she turns her head on its side, staring at the wall without seeing it. What was it exactly that set her off? Talking about people misunderstanding? Good intentions? Being human? She feels like she's wallowing, and she hates it. ]

...I made a mistake a long time ago, and a lot of people got hurt. And... I don't think anything has really changed since then. Not in any way that really matters.

[morganknight]

Why do you think that?

[Yeah, these questions could get annoying, but -- he has to ask, right? He can't even empathize if he doesn't know what's going on her head, what's ticking through her thoughts and tangling up her feelings.]

[ichoosefight]

[ She barely knows what's going through her own head right now. She unconsciously takes another bite of ice cream, and sits back in her chair to tap at the carton some more. ]

I was just... so desperate to prove myself. And I keep telling myself it doesn't matter, that I don't care, but the truth is I just don't want to know anymore what people think. After all this time, I'm still just running away.

[ She digs roughly into the ice cream, mad at herself for being so pathetic. ]

[morganknight]

Well. If I had to take a stab at it... the person you were most desperate to prove yourself to was you, and you don't feel like you've done that yet.

[Speaking from experience here.]

[ichoosefight]

[ Her spoon stops in the air as she lets that sink in. Is he right? If not, who else is she trying to prove herself to? Nobody else is even here. She's not sure which is more pathetic: trying to prove something to someone she may never see again, or failing to prove something to herself.

She takes the bite then slumps down onto the table again, face down this time. ]

Ballot's in. That's not gonna happen.

[morganknight]

[Morgan nods, pointing his spoon at her for emphasis.]

And that's because you don't know what you want. You're trying to attain a goal that you literally can't attain. It's like you're playing basketball without a hoop! It's not because you're flawed or a failure, you just feel that way because you don't know what actually counts as success.

[Again, straight from the heart, and from his own experience. Morgan knows exactly what that's like. Lived it a long time.]