Inbox for Avalon

[morganknight]

You've reached Morgan Knight.
And I'm not here.
Go.

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[morganknight]

[Morgan drops into a chair with less of a thud than it looks like he should have made, snagging the neopolitan in the same motion.]

No rush.

[Because at some point she's going to start talking about what happened, and they both know it.]

[ichoosefight]

[ She has a few more spoonfulls, staring at the carton while mulling things over, before she slows down to just poking the ice cream with her spoon. It's another few moments before she finally speaks up. ]

Do you ever feel like... you're running around in circles? Like, you've been working so hard for all this time, but it turns out you're right back where you started?

[morganknight]

[Morgan tugs his spoon out of his mouth, then flicks and swishes it at her like he's casting some sort of spell.]

For years, yeah, I did. Wasn't even a feeling, I wasn't getting anywhere ever, no matter how hard I tried. Not entirely my fault, but mostly. Almost entirely.

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph looks up, almost hopeful. She's in too heavy a mood to pay any attention to his antics. ]

What did you do?

[ Since he doesn't seem to feel that way now. ]

[morganknight]

I started focusing on what I really wanted. Not what I thought I wanted, and not just surface level stuff, but what I really wanted beneath it all. The sort of thing where you ask yourself what you want, and then why do you want that, till you get an answer.

[ichoosefight]

[ Steph sighs, pushing her chair back and sinking down to rest her chin on the table. The ice cream stays in her lap, and she lifts her head just enough to take another bite before setting it down again.

What does she want? To not care about the approval of people she looks up to? To find an excuse that clears her conscience like a magic eraser? To be told it's okay that hundreds of people died, and she only made things worse? ]

Right now I just want to stop feeling like crap.

[morganknight]

So why do you feel like crap?

[She had to expect that question, after all. Morgan keeps eating, but his eyes never leave her.]

[ichoosefight]

[ For a while she doesn't answer, still trying to figure out how to explain. It isn't because of the attack. It isn't even because of anything Minako said, not really. Hearing what sounded like 'she isn't strong enough to be a hero' hit pretty hard, but at some point she went from talking about the past to reliving it.

After a moment she turns her head on its side, staring at the wall without seeing it. What was it exactly that set her off? Talking about people misunderstanding? Good intentions? Being human? She feels like she's wallowing, and she hates it. ]

...I made a mistake a long time ago, and a lot of people got hurt. And... I don't think anything has really changed since then. Not in any way that really matters.

[morganknight]

Why do you think that?

[Yeah, these questions could get annoying, but -- he has to ask, right? He can't even empathize if he doesn't know what's going on her head, what's ticking through her thoughts and tangling up her feelings.]

[ichoosefight]

[ She barely knows what's going through her own head right now. She unconsciously takes another bite of ice cream, and sits back in her chair to tap at the carton some more. ]

I was just... so desperate to prove myself. And I keep telling myself it doesn't matter, that I don't care, but the truth is I just don't want to know anymore what people think. After all this time, I'm still just running away.

[ She digs roughly into the ice cream, mad at herself for being so pathetic. ]

[morganknight]

Well. If I had to take a stab at it... the person you were most desperate to prove yourself to was you, and you don't feel like you've done that yet.

[Speaking from experience here.]

[ichoosefight]

[ Her spoon stops in the air as she lets that sink in. Is he right? If not, who else is she trying to prove herself to? Nobody else is even here. She's not sure which is more pathetic: trying to prove something to someone she may never see again, or failing to prove something to herself.

She takes the bite then slumps down onto the table again, face down this time. ]

Ballot's in. That's not gonna happen.

[morganknight]

[Morgan nods, pointing his spoon at her for emphasis.]

And that's because you don't know what you want. You're trying to attain a goal that you literally can't attain. It's like you're playing basketball without a hoop! It's not because you're flawed or a failure, you just feel that way because you don't know what actually counts as success.

[Again, straight from the heart, and from his own experience. Morgan knows exactly what that's like. Lived it a long time.]

[ichoosefight]

[ That should probably make sense, and it should probably be comforting. In the context of the gang war, though, it sends another wave of guilt crashing over her hard enough to make her nauseous. She tilts her head even further down, propping it against the edge of the table in the process of curling even further in on herself. ]

...It's because I know how many people are dead because of me.

[morganknight]

[Morgan already knows well enough to doubt that statement, but instead he sits back in the chair, slumping slightly to get more comfortable.]

You're gonna have to give me the story.

[ichoosefight]

[ She's silent for another long moment, staring at her ice cream. There's not really a good way to put this. She may as well be blunt. ]

I... started a gang war. Accidentally.

It's not a short story.

[morganknight]

[Mmm. Morgan twirls his spoon in his fingers, contemplating a response.]

Now this may be a crazy assumption, but I'm guessing you didn't accidentally form two gangs and imbue them with murderous intent towards one another. And then singlehandedly committed every murder in the course of the resulting gang war.

[ichoosefight]

[ She sighs and sets the ice cream on the table. Now that it's not gripped to her stomach, she's actually really cold. She continues to steadfastly refuse eye-contact. ]

Actually, it was nine gangs. And I got their leaders all together, and freaked them out until they all started shooting each other. Things just kind of spiraled from there.

[morganknight]

[Morgan, conversely, is not letting up on the eye contact.]

Sounds to me like the gangs did the killing, and you're taking the murderous intent of a whole bunch of people on your shoulders entirely. But you didn't pull any triggers, Steph. You might have been a part of it, but a thousand thousand other parts had to align too, for things to fall out the way they did. Take responsibility for your part. No more, no less.

[ichoosefight]

I know that. I do.

[ The quiet comment is aimed at the ice cream carton in front of her. ]

But I started it. Nothing changes that. If I hadn't been there it never would have happened.

[morganknight]

And if the gang leaders hadn't been the sort to jump to shooting after getting freaked out, it never would have happened. If the gangs weren't full of people to go along into a war, it wouldn't have happened. If any number of circumstances hadn't gone exactly the way they did, it wouldn't have happened.

[Morgan doesn't quite strike the table, but he does slap it, with some weight.]

and damn it, when it comes to murder, the blame lies on the people pulling the triggers, Steph. You didn't take those lives. But if I know what I would have been feeling in your place -- you're blaming yourself because the alternative, that you aren't that important, that you really couldn't have had much effect at all, is even worse. Because you want to make a difference very badly, I know that much for sure.

[ichoosefight]

Is that what you think?

[ She finally looks up at him, her expression as much dispair as indignation. ]

That I'm too scared to admit that I don't matter? You don't think I had that ground into me while I half-killed myself trying to do something, anything to help? It wasn't even my plan that failed! I stole it from Batman when he kicked me out the door!

[ She's not sure when she got to her feet. When she realizes she's standing with both hands propped on the table, nearly shouting at someone who's just trying to help, she shuts her mouth and drops her head.

What's wrong with her? It doesn't matter who did what, or why. It only matters that it happened, and that was five years ago. Why is she here, a universe away, shaking, barely able to look her own boyfriend in the eye? ]

[morganknight]

Considering how angry the thought got you? Yeah, I kinda think that. Or more to the point, I think you want badly to make a positive difference... and you're not so good at seeing how you do.

[Parties to cheer people up. Unstinting, unflinching effort to help others in the midst of crisis. That's what he'd seen from her: strength and determination he could admire. That's how he could stay calm, even as she exploded.]

And I think... given what you just said, that you want others to acknowledge that too. Or at the very least, you deeply hate that you don't get that acknowledgment from others. But what you really need is that acknowledgment from yourself.

[ichoosefight]

No.

[ Her hands curl into tight fists, her refusal adamant, but she lowers her voice considerably. ]

That's exactly how it all started. I wanted to prove I could do something right, and all I did was get a lot of innocent people hurt and myself nearly killed.

[ She doesn't want anything to do with acknowledgement. Rather, she doesn't want to want acknowledgement. She knows she can't prove that she's good enough as she is. You can't prove something that isn't true. ]

[morganknight]

[Morgan shakes his head slightly.] You were one part of something far bigger. That's all any of us ever are. You can't divert a river unless the whole thing's a hair's breadth from tumbling into new banks anyway. And you need to find some self-forgiveness.