[ Steph sighs, pushing her chair back and sinking down to rest her chin on the table. The ice cream stays in her lap, and she lifts her head just enough to take another bite before setting it down again.
What does she want? To not care about the approval of people she looks up to? To find an excuse that clears her conscience like a magic eraser? To be told it's okay that hundreds of people died, and she only made things worse? ]
[ For a while she doesn't answer, still trying to figure out how to explain. It isn't because of the attack. It isn't even because of anything Minako said, not really. Hearing what sounded like 'she isn't strong enough to be a hero' hit pretty hard, but at some point she went from talking about the past to reliving it.
After a moment she turns her head on its side, staring at the wall without seeing it. What was it exactly that set her off? Talking about people misunderstanding? Good intentions? Being human? She feels like she's wallowing, and she hates it. ]
...I made a mistake a long time ago, and a lot of people got hurt. And... I don't think anything has really changed since then. Not in any way that really matters.
[Yeah, these questions could get annoying, but -- he has to ask, right? He can't even empathize if he doesn't know what's going on her head, what's ticking through her thoughts and tangling up her feelings.]
[ She barely knows what's going through her own head right now. She unconsciously takes another bite of ice cream, and sits back in her chair to tap at the carton some more. ]
I was just... so desperate to prove myself. And I keep telling myself it doesn't matter, that I don't care, but the truth is I just don't want to know anymore what people think. After all this time, I'm still just running away.
[ She digs roughly into the ice cream, mad at herself for being so pathetic. ]
[ Her spoon stops in the air as she lets that sink in. Is he right? If not, who else is she trying to prove herself to? Nobody else is even here. She's not sure which is more pathetic: trying to prove something to someone she may never see again, or failing to prove something to herself.
She takes the bite then slumps down onto the table again, face down this time. ]
[Morgan nods, pointing his spoon at her for emphasis.]
And that's because you don't know what you want. You're trying to attain a goal that you literally can't attain. It's like you're playing basketball without a hoop! It's not because you're flawed or a failure, you just feel that way because you don't know what actually counts as success.
[Again, straight from the heart, and from his own experience. Morgan knows exactly what that's like. Lived it a long time.]
[ That should probably make sense, and it should probably be comforting. In the context of the gang war, though, it sends another wave of guilt crashing over her hard enough to make her nauseous. She tilts her head even further down, propping it against the edge of the table in the process of curling even further in on herself. ]
...It's because I know how many people are dead because of me.
[Mmm. Morgan twirls his spoon in his fingers, contemplating a response.]
Now this may be a crazy assumption, but I'm guessing you didn't accidentally form two gangs and imbue them with murderous intent towards one another. And then singlehandedly committed every murder in the course of the resulting gang war.
[ She sighs and sets the ice cream on the table. Now that it's not gripped to her stomach, she's actually really cold. She continues to steadfastly refuse eye-contact. ]
Actually, it was nine gangs. And I got their leaders all together, and freaked them out until they all started shooting each other. Things just kind of spiraled from there.
[Morgan, conversely, is not letting up on the eye contact.]
Sounds to me like the gangs did the killing, and you're taking the murderous intent of a whole bunch of people on your shoulders entirely. But you didn't pull any triggers, Steph. You might have been a part of it, but a thousand thousand other parts had to align too, for things to fall out the way they did. Take responsibility for your part. No more, no less.
And if the gang leaders hadn't been the sort to jump to shooting after getting freaked out, it never would have happened. If the gangs weren't full of people to go along into a war, it wouldn't have happened. If any number of circumstances hadn't gone exactly the way they did, it wouldn't have happened.
[Morgan doesn't quite strike the table, but he does slap it, with some weight.]
and damn it, when it comes to murder, the blame lies on the people pulling the triggers, Steph. You didn't take those lives. But if I know what I would have been feeling in your place -- you're blaming yourself because the alternative, that you aren't that important, that you really couldn't have had much effect at all, is even worse. Because you want to make a difference very badly, I know that much for sure.
[ She finally looks up at him, her expression as much dispair as indignation. ]
That I'm too scared to admit that I don't matter? You don't think I had that ground into me while I half-killed myself trying to do something, anything to help? It wasn't even my plan that failed! I stole it from Batman when he kicked me out the door!
[ She's not sure when she got to her feet. When she realizes she's standing with both hands propped on the table, nearly shouting at someone who's just trying to help, she shuts her mouth and drops her head.
What's wrong with her? It doesn't matter who did what, or why. It only matters that it happened, and that was five years ago. Why is she here, a universe away, shaking, barely able to look her own boyfriend in the eye? ]
Considering how angry the thought got you? Yeah, I kinda think that. Or more to the point, I think you want badly to make a positive difference... and you're not so good at seeing how you do.
[Parties to cheer people up. Unstinting, unflinching effort to help others in the midst of crisis. That's what he'd seen from her: strength and determination he could admire. That's how he could stay calm, even as she exploded.]
And I think... given what you just said, that you want others to acknowledge that too. Or at the very least, you deeply hate that you don't get that acknowledgment from others. But what you really need is that acknowledgment from yourself.
[ Her hands curl into tight fists, her refusal adamant, but she lowers her voice considerably. ]
That's exactly how it all started. I wanted to prove I could do something right, and all I did was get a lot of innocent people hurt and myself nearly killed.
[ She doesn't want anything to do with acknowledgement. Rather, she doesn't want to want acknowledgement. She knows she can't prove that she's good enough as she is. You can't prove something that isn't true. ]
[Morgan shakes his head slightly.] You were one part of something far bigger. That's all any of us ever are. You can't divert a river unless the whole thing's a hair's breadth from tumbling into new banks anyway. And you need to find some self-forgiveness.
[ He's right, she knows he is. She's been telling herself the same thing for years. But how is she supposed to believe it? She's not the only one who blames her. In fact, as far as she's been able to tell, she's the only one who assigns Bruce any blame at all.
Ah- that was it. Minako couldn't understand why Steph didn't just talk to someone about what had gone wrong, and Steph couldn't understand why it was so difficult to explain.
She lets out a long breath, slumping down into her chair again as that frustrated energy drains out of her. Her arms slide out in front of her and her face lands in front of the ice cream carton. ]
I'm such a hypocrite. How can I hold it against anyone when they treat me the same way I treat myself?
[ Her ice cream is starting to melt around the edges. She should deal with that. ]
Yeah. Now you're getting about where I was, when I started to think things over. [His circumstances had been... pretty different, but the path and the outcome much the same.]
[Morgan reaches out to slip a finger under one cheek, trying to lift her head a little.]
That was when I started to think that maybe, if the people who loved and cared for me saw some value in me, I could try to see some in myself. And right about when I started realizing there's never a point in life where you switch from doing 'wrong' to doing 'right'... that every day is learning to do a little bit better than you did yesterday.
People can love you, care for you, see the good in you, and still think you can do better, you know. But that starts with yourself. [He strokes a thumb over her cheek, still leaning over rather uncomfortably. But never mind that.] You need to know yourself. The best you can. Without lies, without deceptions. Honest truths, both the good and the bad. You're a flawed and imperfect person the same as everyone, but a wonderful and special person too. You can see both of those, and know both of those to be true -- it's not one or the other!
For a long time she knows they didn't think she could do better. Otherwise they wouldn't have kept trying to make her quit. Babs at least had stopped that, and Bruce... was Bruce. But Tim only seemed to see her value when she was wearing a costume, and even that had taken a long time after her 'death'. Cass... even when Cass made a point of getting in her way, she was never cruel about it. She supposes that's the advantage of having a friend who can read your emotions like a book.
Morgan sees the good in her, though. Kipposhi seems to as well, though he doesn't point it out as much. What do they see? What about her is good? Her mind still feels like a hurricane, trying to drag her into the past.
She sighs again and sits up enough to start scooping the melted ice cream up from the sides of the carton. ]
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morganknight) wrote2021-03-14 02:37 pm
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What does she want? To not care about the approval of people she looks up to? To find an excuse that clears her conscience like a magic eraser? To be told it's okay that hundreds of people died, and she only made things worse? ]
Right now I just want to stop feeling like crap.
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[She had to expect that question, after all. Morgan keeps eating, but his eyes never leave her.]
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After a moment she turns her head on its side, staring at the wall without seeing it. What was it exactly that set her off? Talking about people misunderstanding? Good intentions? Being human? She feels like she's wallowing, and she hates it. ]
...I made a mistake a long time ago, and a lot of people got hurt. And... I don't think anything has really changed since then. Not in any way that really matters.
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[Yeah, these questions could get annoying, but -- he has to ask, right? He can't even empathize if he doesn't know what's going on her head, what's ticking through her thoughts and tangling up her feelings.]
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I was just... so desperate to prove myself. And I keep telling myself it doesn't matter, that I don't care, but the truth is I just don't want to know anymore what people think. After all this time, I'm still just running away.
[ She digs roughly into the ice cream, mad at herself for being so pathetic. ]
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[Speaking from experience here.]
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She takes the bite then slumps down onto the table again, face down this time. ]
Ballot's in. That's not gonna happen.
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And that's because you don't know what you want. You're trying to attain a goal that you literally can't attain. It's like you're playing basketball without a hoop! It's not because you're flawed or a failure, you just feel that way because you don't know what actually counts as success.
[Again, straight from the heart, and from his own experience. Morgan knows exactly what that's like. Lived it a long time.]
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...It's because I know how many people are dead because of me.
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You're gonna have to give me the story.
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I... started a gang war. Accidentally.
It's not a short story.
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Now this may be a crazy assumption, but I'm guessing you didn't accidentally form two gangs and imbue them with murderous intent towards one another. And then singlehandedly committed every murder in the course of the resulting gang war.
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Actually, it was nine gangs. And I got their leaders all together, and freaked them out until they all started shooting each other. Things just kind of spiraled from there.
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Sounds to me like the gangs did the killing, and you're taking the murderous intent of a whole bunch of people on your shoulders entirely. But you didn't pull any triggers, Steph. You might have been a part of it, but a thousand thousand other parts had to align too, for things to fall out the way they did. Take responsibility for your part. No more, no less.
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[ The quiet comment is aimed at the ice cream carton in front of her. ]
But I started it. Nothing changes that. If I hadn't been there it never would have happened.
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[Morgan doesn't quite strike the table, but he does slap it, with some weight.]
and damn it, when it comes to murder, the blame lies on the people pulling the triggers, Steph. You didn't take those lives. But if I know what I would have been feeling in your place -- you're blaming yourself because the alternative, that you aren't that important, that you really couldn't have had much effect at all, is even worse. Because you want to make a difference very badly, I know that much for sure.
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[ She finally looks up at him, her expression as much dispair as indignation. ]
That I'm too scared to admit that I don't matter? You don't think I had that ground into me while I half-killed myself trying to do something, anything to help? It wasn't even my plan that failed! I stole it from Batman when he kicked me out the door!
[ She's not sure when she got to her feet. When she realizes she's standing with both hands propped on the table, nearly shouting at someone who's just trying to help, she shuts her mouth and drops her head.
What's wrong with her? It doesn't matter who did what, or why. It only matters that it happened, and that was five years ago. Why is she here, a universe away, shaking, barely able to look her own boyfriend in the eye? ]
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[Parties to cheer people up. Unstinting, unflinching effort to help others in the midst of crisis. That's what he'd seen from her: strength and determination he could admire. That's how he could stay calm, even as she exploded.]
And I think... given what you just said, that you want others to acknowledge that too. Or at the very least, you deeply hate that you don't get that acknowledgment from others. But what you really need is that acknowledgment from yourself.
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[ Her hands curl into tight fists, her refusal adamant, but she lowers her voice considerably. ]
That's exactly how it all started. I wanted to prove I could do something right, and all I did was get a lot of innocent people hurt and myself nearly killed.
[ She doesn't want anything to do with acknowledgement. Rather, she doesn't want to want acknowledgement. She knows she can't prove that she's good enough as she is. You can't prove something that isn't true. ]
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Ah- that was it. Minako couldn't understand why Steph didn't just talk to someone about what had gone wrong, and Steph couldn't understand why it was so difficult to explain.
She lets out a long breath, slumping down into her chair again as that frustrated energy drains out of her. Her arms slide out in front of her and her face lands in front of the ice cream carton. ]
I'm such a hypocrite. How can I hold it against anyone when they treat me the same way I treat myself?
[ Her ice cream is starting to melt around the edges. She should deal with that. ]
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[Morgan reaches out to slip a finger under one cheek, trying to lift her head a little.]
That was when I started to think that maybe, if the people who loved and cared for me saw some value in me, I could try to see some in myself. And right about when I started realizing there's never a point in life where you switch from doing 'wrong' to doing 'right'... that every day is learning to do a little bit better than you did yesterday.
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Well... mostly they haven't.
[ There's an oxymoron in there, but she hasn't seen it yet. ]
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For a long time she knows they didn't think she could do better. Otherwise they wouldn't have kept trying to make her quit. Babs at least had stopped that, and Bruce... was Bruce. But Tim only seemed to see her value when she was wearing a costume, and even that had taken a long time after her 'death'. Cass... even when Cass made a point of getting in her way, she was never cruel about it. She supposes that's the advantage of having a friend who can read your emotions like a book.
Morgan sees the good in her, though. Kipposhi seems to as well, though he doesn't point it out as much. What do they see? What about her is good? Her mind still feels like a hurricane, trying to drag her into the past.
She sighs again and sits up enough to start scooping the melted ice cream up from the sides of the carton. ]
I don't know what I see right now.
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