(no subject)
Jan. 23rd, 2004 04:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morganknightSigh.
Last night Cat goop-gunned me in the face. Blocked up every headhole I have, and -- I can't describe what it felt like. Panic. Fear. Terror. It was everything I could do to control myself, not freak out...
I remember why now. Shita Kobayu. A kid I grew up with, trained together with, fought with in the temple. The bully, of course -- bigger, stronger, meaner than other kids, myself included. He got his, of course, sooner than most bullies do since we all trained in aikido and jujutsu, but... I remembered, this morning, him picking on me when I was very young. Him putting me in choke holds... Not being able to breathe. Suffocating. Sometimes passing out.
I owe Cat and Stephen apologies for going ballistic on them. They couldn't have known. Till this morning, I didn't either.
Irina and I practically got into a shouting match last night. I guess she's.. not a good prospect for me. I'm wondering who will be. I'm young yet, of course, but where am I going to find a girl just as insane as I am, in all the right ways? Am I that lucky?
The difference between me and Stephen is that Stephen got the chance to be a hero. I'm not a bad guy, dammit. I'm just dumped on, and he is not. He can step in and save the day, whereas I'm the one who has all the problems these days. He's the golden boy in the eyes of everyone, but if, say, Rose was cornered in a dark alley and I showed up to save her, then I would be the hero and Stephen would be the jealous one. Life isn't fair at all. So now Stephen's in on a giant ant problem, and I'm out in the cold.
I feel so out of touch. Out of the loop. Just... out. I don't know what to do.
Last night Cat goop-gunned me in the face. Blocked up every headhole I have, and -- I can't describe what it felt like. Panic. Fear. Terror. It was everything I could do to control myself, not freak out...
I remember why now. Shita Kobayu. A kid I grew up with, trained together with, fought with in the temple. The bully, of course -- bigger, stronger, meaner than other kids, myself included. He got his, of course, sooner than most bullies do since we all trained in aikido and jujutsu, but... I remembered, this morning, him picking on me when I was very young. Him putting me in choke holds... Not being able to breathe. Suffocating. Sometimes passing out.
I owe Cat and Stephen apologies for going ballistic on them. They couldn't have known. Till this morning, I didn't either.
Irina and I practically got into a shouting match last night. I guess she's.. not a good prospect for me. I'm wondering who will be. I'm young yet, of course, but where am I going to find a girl just as insane as I am, in all the right ways? Am I that lucky?
The difference between me and Stephen is that Stephen got the chance to be a hero. I'm not a bad guy, dammit. I'm just dumped on, and he is not. He can step in and save the day, whereas I'm the one who has all the problems these days. He's the golden boy in the eyes of everyone, but if, say, Rose was cornered in a dark alley and I showed up to save her, then I would be the hero and Stephen would be the jealous one. Life isn't fair at all. So now Stephen's in on a giant ant problem, and I'm out in the cold.
I feel so out of touch. Out of the loop. Just... out. I don't know what to do.
