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Jul. 17th, 2005 09:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morganknightNothing ever seems to get easier around here.
Cass disappeared on me. I don't remember if I mentioned that, I'm too lazy to flip a page back. I tracked her down. I was afraid she'd lost it, she'd slipped a little, she'd gone back to living on the street because she'd forgotten she had people out there who care about her, who don't want her to be sad or lonely. It turns out she's just been staying with that guy she's been dating.
So she didn't forget those people are out there, she just... stopped caring about it.
I don't know what to make of that. I really don't. I thought we were friends, but... all she's said to me in two weeks is that she's alive, when she popped in for a brief visit at the Rose on my shift. Other than that, nothing. Has she just decided to abandon me, her things, her animals? Her cat's still here, for heaven's sake! Her chocobo is still here! Has she just abandoned them?
Is this my fault somehow? I can't see how it isn't. This is a pattern all too familiar.
Katie is doing better, Seamus says. I've tried to stop by and visit her a couple times, but I always seem to manage to pick a bad time. She's up and around and not being different, I heard, and that's everything I could hope for. I just wish I could see her.
I said I had passed on my right to vengeance to Sal. But Seamus told me that Sal was hurt, and couldn't do anything, and so it fell to me once again. I'd taken some hair from the alley where her attackers had huddled, the day of the drowning. I traced them with Correspondance, read the names of their superiors with Mind. And I killed them. I killed them.
I traveled ten steps up that chain, leaving death in my wake, till I was stymied at the very last and could go no higher. I didn't save Connor, I didn't slaughter Vin. All I managed was to leave a trail of meaningless death and destruction in my wake. I carved a huge chunk out of his organization, but that doesn't even matter, according to Seamus.
And then a couple of days later Sal was up and around and doing fine. I did it all for nothing. NOTHING. Everything I did that day was meaningless except to weigh against me in the Record. I am nothing more than a murderer and a thug, and regardless of what I strive to be, I can never again claim to truly be anything more. I imagine this might explain why Nhairis has been distant lately.
Knight Comics has disaster written all over it. My artist is complaining about the basic setup. At least I managed to talk to her about it before it got too bad. I don't know what she expects me to do when I KNOW what she did to betray Jack, but... it isn't realistic for her to expect me to behave towards her professionally as I do personally. I just hope that that's the end of it. I may have to kill Joe if he keeps up this crap about me raping her mind to force her to sign the contract. I don't even *have* enough Mind to do that.
I told Seamus and Cat about my plan. I'm going to do it. Soon, Cass or no, even though I need her for it. If she doesn't want to... I won't be surprised. But I'll do it anyway, even if it kills me. What does it really matter if it does?
Cass is just another in a list. Kym and Ronnie just disappeared out of my life. Stephen is too busy, Cat... is distant, and I don't know why, but I can't think of the last time we hung out together. She's hurt now, sure, but even before that. Katie I get to actually see so rarely. Irina treats love and important things too casually for me to trust her. Jack I never see, with the exception of the other day when he needed me to kick ass on his behalf. Cadence dumped me for another guy. Vee seems to dislike me, I don't even know why. Sashra died, of course. Diast is not around nearly as often as I could hope. My own twin sister hates me.
Seamus and Cat think I'm an idiot, for planning to save my parents. Seamus pointed out that it wouldn't change anything, I'd still have grown up without parents. Duh. That isn't the point. The point is to give them the life they never should have lost. The point is to be of the universe, and in doing so, move with it and guide it all at once. The point is to do it because it's the right thing to do.
And maybe, just maybe, I can bring someone into my life who will stay there. Just once.
Cass disappeared on me. I don't remember if I mentioned that, I'm too lazy to flip a page back. I tracked her down. I was afraid she'd lost it, she'd slipped a little, she'd gone back to living on the street because she'd forgotten she had people out there who care about her, who don't want her to be sad or lonely. It turns out she's just been staying with that guy she's been dating.
So she didn't forget those people are out there, she just... stopped caring about it.
I don't know what to make of that. I really don't. I thought we were friends, but... all she's said to me in two weeks is that she's alive, when she popped in for a brief visit at the Rose on my shift. Other than that, nothing. Has she just decided to abandon me, her things, her animals? Her cat's still here, for heaven's sake! Her chocobo is still here! Has she just abandoned them?
Is this my fault somehow? I can't see how it isn't. This is a pattern all too familiar.
Katie is doing better, Seamus says. I've tried to stop by and visit her a couple times, but I always seem to manage to pick a bad time. She's up and around and not being different, I heard, and that's everything I could hope for. I just wish I could see her.
I said I had passed on my right to vengeance to Sal. But Seamus told me that Sal was hurt, and couldn't do anything, and so it fell to me once again. I'd taken some hair from the alley where her attackers had huddled, the day of the drowning. I traced them with Correspondance, read the names of their superiors with Mind. And I killed them. I killed them.
I traveled ten steps up that chain, leaving death in my wake, till I was stymied at the very last and could go no higher. I didn't save Connor, I didn't slaughter Vin. All I managed was to leave a trail of meaningless death and destruction in my wake. I carved a huge chunk out of his organization, but that doesn't even matter, according to Seamus.
And then a couple of days later Sal was up and around and doing fine. I did it all for nothing. NOTHING. Everything I did that day was meaningless except to weigh against me in the Record. I am nothing more than a murderer and a thug, and regardless of what I strive to be, I can never again claim to truly be anything more. I imagine this might explain why Nhairis has been distant lately.
Knight Comics has disaster written all over it. My artist is complaining about the basic setup. At least I managed to talk to her about it before it got too bad. I don't know what she expects me to do when I KNOW what she did to betray Jack, but... it isn't realistic for her to expect me to behave towards her professionally as I do personally. I just hope that that's the end of it. I may have to kill Joe if he keeps up this crap about me raping her mind to force her to sign the contract. I don't even *have* enough Mind to do that.
I told Seamus and Cat about my plan. I'm going to do it. Soon, Cass or no, even though I need her for it. If she doesn't want to... I won't be surprised. But I'll do it anyway, even if it kills me. What does it really matter if it does?
Cass is just another in a list. Kym and Ronnie just disappeared out of my life. Stephen is too busy, Cat... is distant, and I don't know why, but I can't think of the last time we hung out together. She's hurt now, sure, but even before that. Katie I get to actually see so rarely. Irina treats love and important things too casually for me to trust her. Jack I never see, with the exception of the other day when he needed me to kick ass on his behalf. Cadence dumped me for another guy. Vee seems to dislike me, I don't even know why. Sashra died, of course. Diast is not around nearly as often as I could hope. My own twin sister hates me.
Seamus and Cat think I'm an idiot, for planning to save my parents. Seamus pointed out that it wouldn't change anything, I'd still have grown up without parents. Duh. That isn't the point. The point is to give them the life they never should have lost. The point is to be of the universe, and in doing so, move with it and guide it all at once. The point is to do it because it's the right thing to do.
And maybe, just maybe, I can bring someone into my life who will stay there. Just once.
