(no subject)
Feb. 22nd, 2005 05:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morganknightI've finally slipped a little ways out of anger and shielding to just hurt, and it's almost a palpable relief, not just myself but for others.
Cass told me that in her world, which has fallen to Descent, I'm a Nephandus -- one of the strongest and most powerful, a veritable general of darkness. Lovely, more good news. Still, she tracked me down and tried to help, despite having no clue how. She's lost her humanity, or buried it. I suppose I have to help her get it back... if I don't, who wil?
Katie asked me to open up to her. It nearly led to an ugly scene in the kitchen of the Rose, because I can't just drop my shields any more, not when so many people are waiting to take a piece out of me the second I show a sign of weakness. She let me pass at the moment, though, and later I went over to her house. We sat... we talked... we watched X-Men. It helped. It helps me get by, anyway.
Cat and I talked. I apologized. I hope she and Stephen have made up by this point. I hate to see those two fight. Living vicariously through my friends and family is all I have left to me. It's kind of sad to think that I'll always be the odd man out, and that I'll never be able to go out with someone again without being a third wheel, or knowing they have someone waiting for them. And that someday I'll be standing at my best friend's side while Cat is walking down the aisle, but I'll never have him at mine.
Seamus is out of the hospital, and I can't help but feel that it's best for me to tread very lightly around him. I haven't the slightest idea why I feel this way, but my intuition is generally sound when it shows up, and the last thing anyone needs is another fight between me and him. I have a feeling that something very bad is going to happen, soon. It will be my fault when it does. I'd like to avoid that happening, if I can.
Maybe I can't. I certainly haven't been able to up until now.
Cass told me that in her world, which has fallen to Descent, I'm a Nephandus -- one of the strongest and most powerful, a veritable general of darkness. Lovely, more good news. Still, she tracked me down and tried to help, despite having no clue how. She's lost her humanity, or buried it. I suppose I have to help her get it back... if I don't, who wil?
Katie asked me to open up to her. It nearly led to an ugly scene in the kitchen of the Rose, because I can't just drop my shields any more, not when so many people are waiting to take a piece out of me the second I show a sign of weakness. She let me pass at the moment, though, and later I went over to her house. We sat... we talked... we watched X-Men. It helped. It helps me get by, anyway.
Cat and I talked. I apologized. I hope she and Stephen have made up by this point. I hate to see those two fight. Living vicariously through my friends and family is all I have left to me. It's kind of sad to think that I'll always be the odd man out, and that I'll never be able to go out with someone again without being a third wheel, or knowing they have someone waiting for them. And that someday I'll be standing at my best friend's side while Cat is walking down the aisle, but I'll never have him at mine.
Seamus is out of the hospital, and I can't help but feel that it's best for me to tread very lightly around him. I haven't the slightest idea why I feel this way, but my intuition is generally sound when it shows up, and the last thing anyone needs is another fight between me and him. I have a feeling that something very bad is going to happen, soon. It will be my fault when it does. I'd like to avoid that happening, if I can.
Maybe I can't. I certainly haven't been able to up until now.
