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Sep. 11th, 2004 06:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morganknightI don't know what's more sad -- that the best everyone could come up with to cheer me up was Leon's "Hug him until he feels better" -- or the fact that it actually worked. Leon, Ronnie, Heather, Andrea, and Nhairis all hugged me a lot. I did feel better. I still do, a little.
But I have to say, on top of everything, I'm worried as hell.
Angelin called me the other night, telling me she was running away -- for reasons I can't even begin to comprehend. She thinks she's a failure as a friend to me, but she's always helped me and been good to me. Ultimately I think I let her down, instead, when I couldn't help her. And on the other hand, Sashra called me the other night to tell me she's off for China, to visit her family, a trip I can only pray she comes back from. Maybe I'm getting too extreme an impression, but I get the feeling her father would personally brick up whatever portal leads between there and Rhydin if he thought it would keep her safe. I know Sashra's too smart to mention things like zombies, or me, but I worry nonetheless.
I still don't understand why Rose wrote that note. Or why Seamus would agree to it. I don't understand.
It's funny -- I haven't had any friends over, I've barely talked to anyone, since I got that note. I really ought to try calling some people, like Stephen, but... every time I go to do that, I wonder who's in on it. Who understands, who knows, who agrees that I'm better off gone forever. Hell. Has Stephen noticed I'm gone? Does he know? Does he care? Has Cat? Does she? It's not like anyone's tried to get in touch with me, ask me where I am... it's not like me being gone this long is normal.
I don't want to believe it of Stephen, but I don't know what to make of the evidence. And Cat -- God, where did I go wrong there? Why, why, why is it so hard for her to understand that romance is a painful topic for me and I don't like to discuss it? Maybe, maybe if she'd actually seemed to take it seriously, it would have been better. It's like it was a big joke to her. But she doesn't understand why it bothers me, she's writing it off as some character flaw inherent to me that has permanently impaired our ability to be friends. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG HERE?!
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.
God damn it all.
But I have to say, on top of everything, I'm worried as hell.
Angelin called me the other night, telling me she was running away -- for reasons I can't even begin to comprehend. She thinks she's a failure as a friend to me, but she's always helped me and been good to me. Ultimately I think I let her down, instead, when I couldn't help her. And on the other hand, Sashra called me the other night to tell me she's off for China, to visit her family, a trip I can only pray she comes back from. Maybe I'm getting too extreme an impression, but I get the feeling her father would personally brick up whatever portal leads between there and Rhydin if he thought it would keep her safe. I know Sashra's too smart to mention things like zombies, or me, but I worry nonetheless.
I still don't understand why Rose wrote that note. Or why Seamus would agree to it. I don't understand.
It's funny -- I haven't had any friends over, I've barely talked to anyone, since I got that note. I really ought to try calling some people, like Stephen, but... every time I go to do that, I wonder who's in on it. Who understands, who knows, who agrees that I'm better off gone forever. Hell. Has Stephen noticed I'm gone? Does he know? Does he care? Has Cat? Does she? It's not like anyone's tried to get in touch with me, ask me where I am... it's not like me being gone this long is normal.
I don't want to believe it of Stephen, but I don't know what to make of the evidence. And Cat -- God, where did I go wrong there? Why, why, why is it so hard for her to understand that romance is a painful topic for me and I don't like to discuss it? Maybe, maybe if she'd actually seemed to take it seriously, it would have been better. It's like it was a big joke to her. But she doesn't understand why it bothers me, she's writing it off as some character flaw inherent to me that has permanently impaired our ability to be friends. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG HERE?!
WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.
God damn it all.
