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Jul. 22nd, 2004 02:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morganknightI need a machine that extracts thoughts directly from my brain and puts them on paper. Then I won't need to worry about trying to write about so many confusing, aggravating, insane, messed-up things...
What a week this has been. And it feels like forever.
First thing's first -- Shard, Heather's little dragon, has started talking. And he's learning really really quickly. He's gone from simple words to night unto complete sentences in the span of about a week... It's a little creepy, although he's very cute doing it. And that's just aggravated everything else that has happened.
Heather actually had a couple of dates -- which is significant because this is Heather, who hasn't gone out or made any friends since she popped into the Rose a couple weeks ago and encountered the Illithid Mindrapeage. She said, then, that it wasn't my fault, and that she'd like to go back, but she hasn't. I can't really blame her, but I feel bad nonetheless for it. So I was happy that she was going out.
Then she asked me out. On a date. I said no, I'd given up on romance and dating, and -- I'm not even sure what exactly happened, but it was bad. She got mad; she stormed off; the next morning, when training with Nhairis came around, she was still mad It wasn't long before she handed me a letter of resignation, packed up her suitcase, and left. Just like Irina... just like Stephen....
And then Ciara Madox, Archmage Euthanatos, came looking for her student. When she discovered Heather wasn't there any more -- she went looking for her, she dragged her back and made us fight. She yelled at Heather for not learning more, for not trying hard enough, because she couldn't beat me after just a week of training! I dragged Nhairis in, Nhairis gave Heather her stamp of approval, and I basically told Ciara Madox to shut the hell up... And so now I have another enemy... Heather still ran off. Shard went with her... I tried to explain to Chibi Kami-sama, with Mind, that I had cost my poor cat his best friend -- I figured I owed my cat that much. Even CKS left... he was so mad, it seemed, at me, he wanted to go live with Heather.. Heather wouldn't take him, so he went to live with Stephen and Forces instead.
It's all kind of a blur. But I'm probably the only person in the history of the universe to be deliberately and willfully abandoned by his cat. Shows what you know, Katie -- even my cat won't stick by me...
I made Heather go to Nhairis's. Even she and Shadow couldn't stop her from running off... CKS came back to me, and I ended up watching over Shard, and I ended up going out and all but begging Heather not to throw her life away by running... She came back to the apartment long enough for her friend -- Tyric Ignisoltier, I learned his name was -- to intercept her and take her out. Whatever he did must have worked, but... it was later that night when there was a knock on the door.
I open it. It was him. "You're Morgan Knight?" he asks. "Yeah." "Are you the one who told Heather she was worthless scum?" (Or something like that.) That's pretty much the idea she'd gotten from me -- the same fucking idea everybody gets from me, no matter what I do, so I say yeah. And he challenges me to certamen. We met later that night, I had Stephen as my second, and -- he won. I don't know how for sure. He was less skilled than I am, but he had more power, he could take more damage, and he was -- lucky, I guess. Or I maintain my usual level of consistent unluck, which is about the same. And as punishment, I surrendered my sword until I made up with Heather. Which I did, sort of. I guess she felt sorry for me.
And yet, after all that... it wasn't enough.
Katherine Knight. An alternate-universe version of my heartsister -- married happily for years to an alternate version of *me*. Trained warrior, killing machine, happy wife... in my universe, my Rhydin, meeting me and Seamus. I've seen her twice so far. The first time was meeting her -- when I was behind the bar, trying to tend. No, I was wrong, three times -- the first time in a dream. I understand it now, and yet it still creeps me out... and it scares me. It truly, honestly scares me.
She kissed me, last night -- she said her Morgan was amused by it, she was amused by it. She apologized later, when she realized it had upset me. She said that in essence I'm her Morgan, that she loved me (not in love with me), that she wanted to make me smile. I believe her. How can I not believe her? After thirteen years of marriage to *me*, she knows exactly what to say and how to say it. She knows me.... or whatever me she knows. I know I'll never be that Morgan... How could I? He had a loving, devoted woman to support him and share his life, and I have -- Stephen, and Cat, and her, she said, but it isn't the same. It isn't the same at all.
I said I was a flawed version of her Morgan.
She said that I was human. Young, with my passions intact, and still human. She believes in me. She believes in me as a person...
But is it me? Or is she seeing her Morgan in me, a Morgan I can never become? I don't know. I'm afraid to find out.
I went running last night, after we spoke, after she left. I ran into Sashra; we ran together. She understands me too, a little. Common backgrounds. She said she's fond of me... I hope, I pray, I beg and plead whatever higher power is out there, that she means this in the most strictly platonic way. I can't bear to hurt or ruin anyone else. I can't bear scarring another person's soul, and feeling my own scar in the process again. Add Heather to the list.
Will this pain ever end? Will it... ever?
What a week this has been. And it feels like forever.
First thing's first -- Shard, Heather's little dragon, has started talking. And he's learning really really quickly. He's gone from simple words to night unto complete sentences in the span of about a week... It's a little creepy, although he's very cute doing it. And that's just aggravated everything else that has happened.
Heather actually had a couple of dates -- which is significant because this is Heather, who hasn't gone out or made any friends since she popped into the Rose a couple weeks ago and encountered the Illithid Mindrapeage. She said, then, that it wasn't my fault, and that she'd like to go back, but she hasn't. I can't really blame her, but I feel bad nonetheless for it. So I was happy that she was going out.
Then she asked me out. On a date. I said no, I'd given up on romance and dating, and -- I'm not even sure what exactly happened, but it was bad. She got mad; she stormed off; the next morning, when training with Nhairis came around, she was still mad It wasn't long before she handed me a letter of resignation, packed up her suitcase, and left. Just like Irina... just like Stephen....
And then Ciara Madox, Archmage Euthanatos, came looking for her student. When she discovered Heather wasn't there any more -- she went looking for her, she dragged her back and made us fight. She yelled at Heather for not learning more, for not trying hard enough, because she couldn't beat me after just a week of training! I dragged Nhairis in, Nhairis gave Heather her stamp of approval, and I basically told Ciara Madox to shut the hell up... And so now I have another enemy... Heather still ran off. Shard went with her... I tried to explain to Chibi Kami-sama, with Mind, that I had cost my poor cat his best friend -- I figured I owed my cat that much. Even CKS left... he was so mad, it seemed, at me, he wanted to go live with Heather.. Heather wouldn't take him, so he went to live with Stephen and Forces instead.
It's all kind of a blur. But I'm probably the only person in the history of the universe to be deliberately and willfully abandoned by his cat. Shows what you know, Katie -- even my cat won't stick by me...
I made Heather go to Nhairis's. Even she and Shadow couldn't stop her from running off... CKS came back to me, and I ended up watching over Shard, and I ended up going out and all but begging Heather not to throw her life away by running... She came back to the apartment long enough for her friend -- Tyric Ignisoltier, I learned his name was -- to intercept her and take her out. Whatever he did must have worked, but... it was later that night when there was a knock on the door.
I open it. It was him. "You're Morgan Knight?" he asks. "Yeah." "Are you the one who told Heather she was worthless scum?" (Or something like that.) That's pretty much the idea she'd gotten from me -- the same fucking idea everybody gets from me, no matter what I do, so I say yeah. And he challenges me to certamen. We met later that night, I had Stephen as my second, and -- he won. I don't know how for sure. He was less skilled than I am, but he had more power, he could take more damage, and he was -- lucky, I guess. Or I maintain my usual level of consistent unluck, which is about the same. And as punishment, I surrendered my sword until I made up with Heather. Which I did, sort of. I guess she felt sorry for me.
And yet, after all that... it wasn't enough.
Katherine Knight. An alternate-universe version of my heartsister -- married happily for years to an alternate version of *me*. Trained warrior, killing machine, happy wife... in my universe, my Rhydin, meeting me and Seamus. I've seen her twice so far. The first time was meeting her -- when I was behind the bar, trying to tend. No, I was wrong, three times -- the first time in a dream. I understand it now, and yet it still creeps me out... and it scares me. It truly, honestly scares me.
She kissed me, last night -- she said her Morgan was amused by it, she was amused by it. She apologized later, when she realized it had upset me. She said that in essence I'm her Morgan, that she loved me (not in love with me), that she wanted to make me smile. I believe her. How can I not believe her? After thirteen years of marriage to *me*, she knows exactly what to say and how to say it. She knows me.... or whatever me she knows. I know I'll never be that Morgan... How could I? He had a loving, devoted woman to support him and share his life, and I have -- Stephen, and Cat, and her, she said, but it isn't the same. It isn't the same at all.
I said I was a flawed version of her Morgan.
She said that I was human. Young, with my passions intact, and still human. She believes in me. She believes in me as a person...
But is it me? Or is she seeing her Morgan in me, a Morgan I can never become? I don't know. I'm afraid to find out.
I went running last night, after we spoke, after she left. I ran into Sashra; we ran together. She understands me too, a little. Common backgrounds. She said she's fond of me... I hope, I pray, I beg and plead whatever higher power is out there, that she means this in the most strictly platonic way. I can't bear to hurt or ruin anyone else. I can't bear scarring another person's soul, and feeling my own scar in the process again. Add Heather to the list.
Will this pain ever end? Will it... ever?
