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May. 19th, 2004 11:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morganknightDear heaven, what a messed up muddle these last few days have been. I don't even know where to begin ordering my thoughts.
Seamus and Katie's new place, the Rambling Rose Tavern, is absolutely awesome. It's all them, though -- you can see the work that went into it, and the care. They're a good team, and great bartenders, and deserve all the best luck in the world getting this place off the ground. Which they seem to have had, given the turnout. Some from the SMI, some people I've never met before.
I'm starting to wonder if Seamus is as bloody confused over our friendship as I am. On the one hand, he still is and probably always will be jealous of me, because I'm physically healthy and wealthy -- whereas conversely, I am and will be jealous of him, because he makes friends and inspires loyalty from them so easily, his own statements on making people feel unwelcome being totally nuts. That sort of mutual jealousy is always going to affect our reactions to each other. On the other hand, when I was being mercilessly persecuted last night, he did pull me aside and give me some really helpful advice. All in all, I consider him a friend, and I hope he considers me the same. But I don't know for sure.
Katie, on the other hand. Ever since that unpleasantness the last time I saw her, there's been a gulf between us. I'm wondering if she realizes that, or cares. But she's been busy with the RRT, of course, and now she's sick again. That worries me, but unfortunately there's nothing I can do for morning sickness. I think one night I'll pay for their meals and so forth, once Katie is feeling better. And I hope she feels better soon. And that we can bridge this gulf, if possible. I need her advice, for that matter. That's a topic for another time.
Irina and I had *another* fight, this time over her attitude. She was moping around looking depressed as hell the other day, and I told her she should think of the good things in life -- she had a job, schooling, lots of friends, a family, a boyfriend -- no, fiance now. So of course she decided she should just act happy and suppress everything, instead of trying to actually BE happy. Well, I give up. I can't deal with that crap any more. If she wants to have everything in life that matters and still be miserable, she can go ahead and do it. I've had enough.
There are a couple of girls I've never met before, who've come to the RRT. One is Maiko, who I don't know very well, although I'd like to change that -- she seems to be cool, but kind of solitary in a lonely sense. I may be entirely wrong about that, but on the other hand, maybe not. Only one way to find out, once I see her again.
The other girl is Angelin, who likes my cars, claims to be interested in me (sort of), flirts with me, and who I spent an evening with driving around and talking to. She's interesting, and I'm a little interested in her -- even though she's younger than me -- although that's a more complicated situation. Cat is already starting rumors that we're dating, although really I barely know her.
Stephen I don't know about. I'm inclined to think he's finished with me, because he never responded to that voice mail I left him, and doesn't seem to have any desire to renew our friendship. On the other hand, he spent the evening last night pelting me with a rubber bouncy ball, which could probably be construed as a perversely friendly act. It was just annoying me, though, until Don got into it. Then it pissed me off. Seamus yanked me aside and told me Don was just testing me, seeing if I'd laugh it off or get revenge. So I swallowed down my anger, and beaned him with a tea ball, and he seemed amused. I do hope that we can get back on at least non-hostile terms.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about Cadence, lately, and realizing what a fool I was. I don't think, now, that she ever really cared for me. She certainly forgot me easily enough, and you can't just *forget* someone you care about so quickly and thoroughly. I certainly haven't. But I really need to put this behind me and move on. It doesn't help that Angelin is a Sagittarius too. That's just creepy.
WHich brings me to the latest troubles of my life. Namely, an old acquaintance by the name of Lila showed up one day to say hello. I'd given her a ride and a place to crash, a few months ago. Flirted with her, but she shut me down cold back then. Now she's back, and evidently interested. We've spent some time together, as friends, talking and doing the occasional meal. She's fun.
But now I have Angelin sort-of-interested and Lila interested, and I know that one way or the other, I'm going to end up hurting somebody. I don't WANT to hurt anyone! I can't bear to keep hurting people! And now I have no choice, and I don't know what to do. I don't, I don't, I utterly don't. And I'm terrified. And frustrated. I can't even make a serious move on anyone without being afraid of who I hurt. I know this is just going to end up with me alienating all sides, and lonely again.
Nhairis has been wonderful to me, but I can't ask her for advice... I don't know who to turn to or what to do. I just don't, and I'm so scared.
Seamus and Katie's new place, the Rambling Rose Tavern, is absolutely awesome. It's all them, though -- you can see the work that went into it, and the care. They're a good team, and great bartenders, and deserve all the best luck in the world getting this place off the ground. Which they seem to have had, given the turnout. Some from the SMI, some people I've never met before.
I'm starting to wonder if Seamus is as bloody confused over our friendship as I am. On the one hand, he still is and probably always will be jealous of me, because I'm physically healthy and wealthy -- whereas conversely, I am and will be jealous of him, because he makes friends and inspires loyalty from them so easily, his own statements on making people feel unwelcome being totally nuts. That sort of mutual jealousy is always going to affect our reactions to each other. On the other hand, when I was being mercilessly persecuted last night, he did pull me aside and give me some really helpful advice. All in all, I consider him a friend, and I hope he considers me the same. But I don't know for sure.
Katie, on the other hand. Ever since that unpleasantness the last time I saw her, there's been a gulf between us. I'm wondering if she realizes that, or cares. But she's been busy with the RRT, of course, and now she's sick again. That worries me, but unfortunately there's nothing I can do for morning sickness. I think one night I'll pay for their meals and so forth, once Katie is feeling better. And I hope she feels better soon. And that we can bridge this gulf, if possible. I need her advice, for that matter. That's a topic for another time.
Irina and I had *another* fight, this time over her attitude. She was moping around looking depressed as hell the other day, and I told her she should think of the good things in life -- she had a job, schooling, lots of friends, a family, a boyfriend -- no, fiance now. So of course she decided she should just act happy and suppress everything, instead of trying to actually BE happy. Well, I give up. I can't deal with that crap any more. If she wants to have everything in life that matters and still be miserable, she can go ahead and do it. I've had enough.
There are a couple of girls I've never met before, who've come to the RRT. One is Maiko, who I don't know very well, although I'd like to change that -- she seems to be cool, but kind of solitary in a lonely sense. I may be entirely wrong about that, but on the other hand, maybe not. Only one way to find out, once I see her again.
The other girl is Angelin, who likes my cars, claims to be interested in me (sort of), flirts with me, and who I spent an evening with driving around and talking to. She's interesting, and I'm a little interested in her -- even though she's younger than me -- although that's a more complicated situation. Cat is already starting rumors that we're dating, although really I barely know her.
Stephen I don't know about. I'm inclined to think he's finished with me, because he never responded to that voice mail I left him, and doesn't seem to have any desire to renew our friendship. On the other hand, he spent the evening last night pelting me with a rubber bouncy ball, which could probably be construed as a perversely friendly act. It was just annoying me, though, until Don got into it. Then it pissed me off. Seamus yanked me aside and told me Don was just testing me, seeing if I'd laugh it off or get revenge. So I swallowed down my anger, and beaned him with a tea ball, and he seemed amused. I do hope that we can get back on at least non-hostile terms.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about Cadence, lately, and realizing what a fool I was. I don't think, now, that she ever really cared for me. She certainly forgot me easily enough, and you can't just *forget* someone you care about so quickly and thoroughly. I certainly haven't. But I really need to put this behind me and move on. It doesn't help that Angelin is a Sagittarius too. That's just creepy.
WHich brings me to the latest troubles of my life. Namely, an old acquaintance by the name of Lila showed up one day to say hello. I'd given her a ride and a place to crash, a few months ago. Flirted with her, but she shut me down cold back then. Now she's back, and evidently interested. We've spent some time together, as friends, talking and doing the occasional meal. She's fun.
But now I have Angelin sort-of-interested and Lila interested, and I know that one way or the other, I'm going to end up hurting somebody. I don't WANT to hurt anyone! I can't bear to keep hurting people! And now I have no choice, and I don't know what to do. I don't, I don't, I utterly don't. And I'm terrified. And frustrated. I can't even make a serious move on anyone without being afraid of who I hurt. I know this is just going to end up with me alienating all sides, and lonely again.
Nhairis has been wonderful to me, but I can't ask her for advice... I don't know who to turn to or what to do. I just don't, and I'm so scared.
