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Apr. 19th, 2004 04:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morganknightWhen I say I'm living moment-to-moment, I really am. I feel like I'm on a roller-coaster without a track, that ups and downs are arbitrary and sudden. One minute I'll be reasonably cheerful; the next, something will remind me, and I'll be depressed; the next, I won't feel anything, good or bad, except a comforting numbness.
I woke up this morning realizing everyone I know, practically, has disappeared. Katie, Seamus, Cat -- New York. Stephen, not speaking to me. Irina's still around, it's just that some days I don't know what to make of her. This hasn't stopped me from agreeing to help her with Northedge's first aid tests. Generous soul, that's me. Pfeh.
Strange an analogy as this seems, I feel tied to the earth, unable to fly. Around me, I see people soaring... Stephen and his success in his work, Katie with her new shop, Irina with her new job and her comic... and yet I seem chained to *mundanity*, to accomplish nothing special or meaningful. I really had hopes for the Holotheater, but with Stephen having walked off, it's like the heart of the place is gone. That was our project, not mine, and I don't think he'll be coming back even if we do reconcile. I'm truly at loose ends. I don't have much purpose in my life, except to train. Maybe I can convince Nhairis to some sort of tournament end? I'll ask her, anyway. I don't want to seem overeager. I just... need some direction.
I haven't seen or heard from Cadence since her phone call. Part of me holds on to hope; part of me despairs. Actually, the same holds true with Stephen. I miss Cat and Katie, but they'll be back eventually. I'll survive until then.
I'm tired, I really am. But I'm still going on.
I woke up this morning realizing everyone I know, practically, has disappeared. Katie, Seamus, Cat -- New York. Stephen, not speaking to me. Irina's still around, it's just that some days I don't know what to make of her. This hasn't stopped me from agreeing to help her with Northedge's first aid tests. Generous soul, that's me. Pfeh.
Strange an analogy as this seems, I feel tied to the earth, unable to fly. Around me, I see people soaring... Stephen and his success in his work, Katie with her new shop, Irina with her new job and her comic... and yet I seem chained to *mundanity*, to accomplish nothing special or meaningful. I really had hopes for the Holotheater, but with Stephen having walked off, it's like the heart of the place is gone. That was our project, not mine, and I don't think he'll be coming back even if we do reconcile. I'm truly at loose ends. I don't have much purpose in my life, except to train. Maybe I can convince Nhairis to some sort of tournament end? I'll ask her, anyway. I don't want to seem overeager. I just... need some direction.
I haven't seen or heard from Cadence since her phone call. Part of me holds on to hope; part of me despairs. Actually, the same holds true with Stephen. I miss Cat and Katie, but they'll be back eventually. I'll survive until then.
I'm tired, I really am. But I'm still going on.
