(no subject)
Apr. 13th, 2004 06:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morganknightYou know, what the fuck do I do with paintballs guns when it seems half the people I bought them for no longer want a thing to do with me? Hell, hell, fucking hell.
So I went over to Katie's shop last night, to drop off hers, Seamus's, Cat's, and Stephen's. Cruel cruel fate that I showed up when Cat was there, squeezing into a corset of all things. That girl is tiny. Where Katie expected to get two inches off of her, I don't know. But just my like I should run into two meddling female friends, who know about Cadence and Stephen.
What did things turn into but a "let's reconcile Morgan and Stephen" match? Of course. It didn't go well, and I don't know what to say. I don't want to be Stephen's enemy, but it seems like he has this nice little trick of saying things and then managing not to answer for them when we're talking in the presence of other people. On the other hand, maybe he's right; check that, I'm sure he's right. Cat doesn't think I'm selfish and reprehensible, but Katie does. On the other hand, she says I shouldn't hate myself. Well, why not?
I find myself utterly confused, but one thing is clear... I don't want to fight with Stephen. I really don't. They just... no one understands how it feels to sit there and have someone tell me I'm this and that and the other awful thing. How do I not respond to that? How do I let it go?
Nhairis-sensei was telling me this morning that I needed not to fight at all, with blades or fist or tongue. But how do I do that without making it seem as if I can be bullied or pushed around? I don't have an answer for that. I don't have an answer for so much right now.
I haven't seen Cadence since... that evening. And I want to, need to talk to her... Did she really want to break up with me? Or did I push her too hard? In retrospect, when the pain is a different sort of pain... I just wanted the pain she was inflicting on me by being distant to stop. I wasn't prepared to have her so distant, after having Stephen turn away.
There are so few people I can turn to these days. Katie, Cat (sort of), possibly Nhairis (possibly not). Speaking of which, I really ought to go thank Katie for being there for me. And I should do the same for Cat, too. For all that she's herself she was at least there yesterday. She's going to New York... I wonder what it was like back then?
I still believe I can get my family back. But who can I trust to help me?
So I went over to Katie's shop last night, to drop off hers, Seamus's, Cat's, and Stephen's. Cruel cruel fate that I showed up when Cat was there, squeezing into a corset of all things. That girl is tiny. Where Katie expected to get two inches off of her, I don't know. But just my like I should run into two meddling female friends, who know about Cadence and Stephen.
What did things turn into but a "let's reconcile Morgan and Stephen" match? Of course. It didn't go well, and I don't know what to say. I don't want to be Stephen's enemy, but it seems like he has this nice little trick of saying things and then managing not to answer for them when we're talking in the presence of other people. On the other hand, maybe he's right; check that, I'm sure he's right. Cat doesn't think I'm selfish and reprehensible, but Katie does. On the other hand, she says I shouldn't hate myself. Well, why not?
I find myself utterly confused, but one thing is clear... I don't want to fight with Stephen. I really don't. They just... no one understands how it feels to sit there and have someone tell me I'm this and that and the other awful thing. How do I not respond to that? How do I let it go?
Nhairis-sensei was telling me this morning that I needed not to fight at all, with blades or fist or tongue. But how do I do that without making it seem as if I can be bullied or pushed around? I don't have an answer for that. I don't have an answer for so much right now.
I haven't seen Cadence since... that evening. And I want to, need to talk to her... Did she really want to break up with me? Or did I push her too hard? In retrospect, when the pain is a different sort of pain... I just wanted the pain she was inflicting on me by being distant to stop. I wasn't prepared to have her so distant, after having Stephen turn away.
There are so few people I can turn to these days. Katie, Cat (sort of), possibly Nhairis (possibly not). Speaking of which, I really ought to go thank Katie for being there for me. And I should do the same for Cat, too. For all that she's herself she was at least there yesterday. She's going to New York... I wonder what it was like back then?
I still believe I can get my family back. But who can I trust to help me?
