morganknight (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
morganknight) wrote2004-03-08 04:51 pm
morganknight) wrote2004-03-08 04:51 pm
(no subject)
I feel like I've just woken up from a long sleep.
To begin with what started it all -- I went to practice Wednesday morning only to find Nhairis in no mood to fight. She told me that from this day forward, I am prohibited from fighting. No sparring. No making an aggressive move against another person. Keep my sword in my sheath unless I'm using it for magick. I asked her why, and she said it was time for me to learn the way of the swordless... In short, it's a life lesson. Don't solve things by fighting. Find another path to walk.
I mean, I knew that from the beginning, but being told that I can't fight any more... All my life has been centered around my martial arts. I was raised from a child to fight. In a world where I've pretty much never had anything to rely on except myself -- no family, till recently no friends, nothing I can take for granted -- I've always been able to depend on my own abilities, my own strength. And now I can't any more. Needless to say I took it pretty hard -- too hard -- and in the process, made pretty much everybody I know pissed at me.
Cat, I feel worst about. Here I am just missing my ability to fight, and she's just lost her father. I always thought she had an adversarial relationship with her parents, but she seems really broken up now, so maybe her father wasn't as bad as I'd thought. In any case, I hope she's feeling better about it.
I do have a plan now, though, thanks primarily to Seamus. I'm going to get myself into college, and start learning. I mean, hell, I don't have to work for money, I can probably learn a lot if I put my mind to it. And I can, I know that. I'll start off taking required courses, and see what floats my boat as I progress. Of course, I can't really do that till summer starts, and even then it won't be much, but I can probably start learning stuff now if I find someone who can help me learn.
Unfortunately, through all this, Cadence decided I'd somehow rejected her, and wasn't speaking to me -- was outright avoiding me. I cornered her, the next night, and we took a walk -- a pretty tense walk all things considered.
I was scared. I can't help it. It's true for both of us, what we said -- that already we'd opened up to each other more than anyone else we'd ever known. And I hurt her, even if I didn't mean to. I could die for that, even though I know hurt is going to happen... I was so afraid, for a long long moment there, that she would choose to walk away. I gave her the choice, though -- straight out in the open. I told her that to me, the risk of being hurt was worth opening up to her, being closer to her -- and that if she chose not to be hurt, I would understand. And truth be told, I would. There was a time when I would have made the same choice too, without hesitation. She's different, though.
And she chose to keep trying.
We headed back to the Inn, briefly, and then drove back to my place. We can be kind of deep when we're together. Like I said to her, if we were different people... more shallow, more concerned about stuff like sex instead of truly caring about each other, dating wouldn't be so rough. We could just have our kicks and move on when bad things happened. But instead we're the sort who stick together... even through pain.
We shared a quiet moment on the couch, with tea and Chibi Kami-Sama attacking bugs in the background. And we agreed we're terrified. Cadence has this way of slipping through all the defenses I have and making herself at home deep inside me. I'm out of control, and I'm actually enjoying it.
And someday we'll play Strip Monopoly. If we figure out the rules.
I asked her to curl up with me in bed -- purely non-sexually -- and she agreed. I think that was the best sleep I've ever gotten.
Last night, Rose told me that I was allowed to call her "Katie". Even in public. I think I ought to avoid doing it when Seamus is around, just because I don't want him getting irrationally jealous again -- it seems like he's finally stopped, or at least cooled down about it, and I don't want him to start up again. Especially not now. But her trust in me really touches me. It's something special, and I don't know why I'm worthy.
I'm starting to see something I never noticed before -- that I actually have an effect on other people. Growing up the way I did, I never really did -- and no one really had an effect on me. We were training for self-control, discipline, strength, after all -- we weren't really friends, we didn't have any deep emotional connection to each other, not the way real friends do anyway. I never realized how different things are, these days. I need to make a lot of changes -- I can't just keep being that reckless headstrong self-centered kid. I need to start owning up to my responsibility to my friends -- and start living my life as... I don't know the word, but I need to live in a way that is right for everyone, not just myself. And with the backing I've got, I think I can learn how. I think I can do it.
To begin with what started it all -- I went to practice Wednesday morning only to find Nhairis in no mood to fight. She told me that from this day forward, I am prohibited from fighting. No sparring. No making an aggressive move against another person. Keep my sword in my sheath unless I'm using it for magick. I asked her why, and she said it was time for me to learn the way of the swordless... In short, it's a life lesson. Don't solve things by fighting. Find another path to walk.
I mean, I knew that from the beginning, but being told that I can't fight any more... All my life has been centered around my martial arts. I was raised from a child to fight. In a world where I've pretty much never had anything to rely on except myself -- no family, till recently no friends, nothing I can take for granted -- I've always been able to depend on my own abilities, my own strength. And now I can't any more. Needless to say I took it pretty hard -- too hard -- and in the process, made pretty much everybody I know pissed at me.
Cat, I feel worst about. Here I am just missing my ability to fight, and she's just lost her father. I always thought she had an adversarial relationship with her parents, but she seems really broken up now, so maybe her father wasn't as bad as I'd thought. In any case, I hope she's feeling better about it.
I do have a plan now, though, thanks primarily to Seamus. I'm going to get myself into college, and start learning. I mean, hell, I don't have to work for money, I can probably learn a lot if I put my mind to it. And I can, I know that. I'll start off taking required courses, and see what floats my boat as I progress. Of course, I can't really do that till summer starts, and even then it won't be much, but I can probably start learning stuff now if I find someone who can help me learn.
Unfortunately, through all this, Cadence decided I'd somehow rejected her, and wasn't speaking to me -- was outright avoiding me. I cornered her, the next night, and we took a walk -- a pretty tense walk all things considered.
I was scared. I can't help it. It's true for both of us, what we said -- that already we'd opened up to each other more than anyone else we'd ever known. And I hurt her, even if I didn't mean to. I could die for that, even though I know hurt is going to happen... I was so afraid, for a long long moment there, that she would choose to walk away. I gave her the choice, though -- straight out in the open. I told her that to me, the risk of being hurt was worth opening up to her, being closer to her -- and that if she chose not to be hurt, I would understand. And truth be told, I would. There was a time when I would have made the same choice too, without hesitation. She's different, though.
And she chose to keep trying.
We headed back to the Inn, briefly, and then drove back to my place. We can be kind of deep when we're together. Like I said to her, if we were different people... more shallow, more concerned about stuff like sex instead of truly caring about each other, dating wouldn't be so rough. We could just have our kicks and move on when bad things happened. But instead we're the sort who stick together... even through pain.
We shared a quiet moment on the couch, with tea and Chibi Kami-Sama attacking bugs in the background. And we agreed we're terrified. Cadence has this way of slipping through all the defenses I have and making herself at home deep inside me. I'm out of control, and I'm actually enjoying it.
And someday we'll play Strip Monopoly. If we figure out the rules.
I asked her to curl up with me in bed -- purely non-sexually -- and she agreed. I think that was the best sleep I've ever gotten.
Last night, Rose told me that I was allowed to call her "Katie". Even in public. I think I ought to avoid doing it when Seamus is around, just because I don't want him getting irrationally jealous again -- it seems like he's finally stopped, or at least cooled down about it, and I don't want him to start up again. Especially not now. But her trust in me really touches me. It's something special, and I don't know why I'm worthy.
I'm starting to see something I never noticed before -- that I actually have an effect on other people. Growing up the way I did, I never really did -- and no one really had an effect on me. We were training for self-control, discipline, strength, after all -- we weren't really friends, we didn't have any deep emotional connection to each other, not the way real friends do anyway. I never realized how different things are, these days. I need to make a lot of changes -- I can't just keep being that reckless headstrong self-centered kid. I need to start owning up to my responsibility to my friends -- and start living my life as... I don't know the word, but I need to live in a way that is right for everyone, not just myself. And with the backing I've got, I think I can learn how. I think I can do it.