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Feb. 17th, 2005 05:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
morganknightEverything is falling apart, falling down, falling away.
Seamus and Katie had a fight of immense proportions, at least by my standards, the other night. Whatever was really said and done, after she stalked home and he left after her, I'll never know for sure. But I know the end result: Seamus had an epic heart attack. The man's dying, or at least ought to be. Whatever the case, he won't be going anywhere for a while. Katie tried to walk out on him, him and his dying and his ways. I stopped her.
Part of me wonders if that was right. Seamus is a good man, but I do wonder... is he good enough? He seems, at times, to treat Katie as more of a mother than a partner -- resenting her when he doesn't want her around, crying and begging for her when he needs her. But then again, perhaps I'm being too cold. Seamus says their relationship is none of my business -- but he's wrong. If they're to be family, really family, then there are no borders and no boundaries. Their well-being is not just their responsibility, it's *mine* too. And that is a responsibility I will take *very* seriously. There is no more halfway and no more half-assed. This is my family, and I will not let it falter or fail.
And I will whip that man into shape if it kills me. I will FIND A WAY.
Everyone wants to help those two, Seamus and Katie. Some people want to help themselves more than them, and in this second column falls Cat. Her brilliantly idiotic idea of quitting school to work at the Rose is entirely self-serving, the sign of a mind that chugs on single-purposedly without pause for consideration or rationality. Never mind that no one wants it, never mind that it's the last thing anyone would desire of Cat -- she says it's right, so she must be obeyed without question!
In similar terms we now have Irina learning magick. Light spells mastered overnight! Cosmic secrets of the universe, yours for $19.95 plus tax! The boy who thinks such tricks should be spread acts like a fool of a Hermetic or an excellent Nephandus acting like a fool of a Hermetic. I wonder if anyone ever taught Irina not to take candy from strangers, as a child. Judging from her complete, naive acceptance of his supposed good intentions, I think not. And I really need to have it out with her about this whole "My world has ended" attitude of late. She has no idea what a world ending is like.
Fucking hell. Does anyone remember what goddamned responsibility is? You don't fucking accept powerful gifts without price tags from strangers. You don't quit college just because you're frustrated at being unable to help friends and family. You don't walk out on the man you love because you're hurt and he's dying, and you don't beg the woman to love to stay without giving her a damn good reason.
I want out of my own damn responsibility. It's not that I can't stop being responsible, no; it's that if I do, the consequences will be branded on me for the rest of my life. I have to be the one to tell Stephen that he loves Cat and they'll work things out. If I'm weak, if I tell him that love is a fucking lie because nothing lasts and everyone dies and everything breaks -- then damned if that won't happen, because he'll agree and that'll be the end of the relationship that makes my best damn friend happy. I could put aside being strong for the Wylies. I could tell them that watching their damn relationship break apart in front of me is shattering a heart that's in so damn many pieces I couldn't believe it could break any more if I hadn't felt it for myself -- but if I'm not there, and strong, and goddamn busting my fucking ass to help them out, then by the time I actually have the strength to help them for real it'll be too damn late! And god help me I show the slightest bit of weakness or grief around anyone, because I'm just Morgan, who has no right to feel bad, even when the woman he loves is not a week dead and gone, and everything in his life is broken and battered!
Fuck everyone and goddamn everything and let me grieve! Let me put my life back together, instead of forcing me to go on like I have infinite strength and patience for everyone who doesn't!
I'm human, goddamnit. I'm human.
I'm afraid that all this strength I force myself to have is coming at the price of that. I hurt so much, and I have to pretend it doesn't hurt. It all gets swallowed under bitter anger and hatred of everything, and... I wonder if it will die down there, or never come back. Hell. Vee can't even be bothered to say hello to me any more, let alone spare me a shred of comfort -- though then again, I saw her true colors last night -- and the only reason I think of that right now is because I'm thinking of a quote from goddamn Order of the Phoenix.
"Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a man! This pain is part of being human --"
"THEN -- I -- DON'T -- WANT -- TO -- BE -- HUMAN!"
If I shove away all my grief and all my pain, and force myself to be strong for others forever, then all that's left will anger and something that used to be human and isn't any more. And the only person I can count on now is Nhairis. And... and...
I don't know what to say any more. I feel... I feel... so broken.
Seamus and Katie had a fight of immense proportions, at least by my standards, the other night. Whatever was really said and done, after she stalked home and he left after her, I'll never know for sure. But I know the end result: Seamus had an epic heart attack. The man's dying, or at least ought to be. Whatever the case, he won't be going anywhere for a while. Katie tried to walk out on him, him and his dying and his ways. I stopped her.
Part of me wonders if that was right. Seamus is a good man, but I do wonder... is he good enough? He seems, at times, to treat Katie as more of a mother than a partner -- resenting her when he doesn't want her around, crying and begging for her when he needs her. But then again, perhaps I'm being too cold. Seamus says their relationship is none of my business -- but he's wrong. If they're to be family, really family, then there are no borders and no boundaries. Their well-being is not just their responsibility, it's *mine* too. And that is a responsibility I will take *very* seriously. There is no more halfway and no more half-assed. This is my family, and I will not let it falter or fail.
And I will whip that man into shape if it kills me. I will FIND A WAY.
Everyone wants to help those two, Seamus and Katie. Some people want to help themselves more than them, and in this second column falls Cat. Her brilliantly idiotic idea of quitting school to work at the Rose is entirely self-serving, the sign of a mind that chugs on single-purposedly without pause for consideration or rationality. Never mind that no one wants it, never mind that it's the last thing anyone would desire of Cat -- she says it's right, so she must be obeyed without question!
In similar terms we now have Irina learning magick. Light spells mastered overnight! Cosmic secrets of the universe, yours for $19.95 plus tax! The boy who thinks such tricks should be spread acts like a fool of a Hermetic or an excellent Nephandus acting like a fool of a Hermetic. I wonder if anyone ever taught Irina not to take candy from strangers, as a child. Judging from her complete, naive acceptance of his supposed good intentions, I think not. And I really need to have it out with her about this whole "My world has ended" attitude of late. She has no idea what a world ending is like.
Fucking hell. Does anyone remember what goddamned responsibility is? You don't fucking accept powerful gifts without price tags from strangers. You don't quit college just because you're frustrated at being unable to help friends and family. You don't walk out on the man you love because you're hurt and he's dying, and you don't beg the woman to love to stay without giving her a damn good reason.
I want out of my own damn responsibility. It's not that I can't stop being responsible, no; it's that if I do, the consequences will be branded on me for the rest of my life. I have to be the one to tell Stephen that he loves Cat and they'll work things out. If I'm weak, if I tell him that love is a fucking lie because nothing lasts and everyone dies and everything breaks -- then damned if that won't happen, because he'll agree and that'll be the end of the relationship that makes my best damn friend happy. I could put aside being strong for the Wylies. I could tell them that watching their damn relationship break apart in front of me is shattering a heart that's in so damn many pieces I couldn't believe it could break any more if I hadn't felt it for myself -- but if I'm not there, and strong, and goddamn busting my fucking ass to help them out, then by the time I actually have the strength to help them for real it'll be too damn late! And god help me I show the slightest bit of weakness or grief around anyone, because I'm just Morgan, who has no right to feel bad, even when the woman he loves is not a week dead and gone, and everything in his life is broken and battered!
Fuck everyone and goddamn everything and let me grieve! Let me put my life back together, instead of forcing me to go on like I have infinite strength and patience for everyone who doesn't!
I'm human, goddamnit. I'm human.
I'm afraid that all this strength I force myself to have is coming at the price of that. I hurt so much, and I have to pretend it doesn't hurt. It all gets swallowed under bitter anger and hatred of everything, and... I wonder if it will die down there, or never come back. Hell. Vee can't even be bothered to say hello to me any more, let alone spare me a shred of comfort -- though then again, I saw her true colors last night -- and the only reason I think of that right now is because I'm thinking of a quote from goddamn Order of the Phoenix.
"Harry, suffering like this proves you are still a man! This pain is part of being human --"
"THEN -- I -- DON'T -- WANT -- TO -- BE -- HUMAN!"
If I shove away all my grief and all my pain, and force myself to be strong for others forever, then all that's left will anger and something that used to be human and isn't any more. And the only person I can count on now is Nhairis. And... and...
I don't know what to say any more. I feel... I feel... so broken.
