morganknight (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
morganknight) wrote2004-10-16 07:04 pm
morganknight) wrote2004-10-16 07:04 pm
(no subject)
Fuck it all, just when I started to think life was looking up...
On a personal front, Sashra told me she loves me. At the time this tickled me, but once she left and I thought about it... It started to scare me. I see too many echoes of myself in her. Saying things, as Katie says, I didn't have the experience to know the meaning of. She doesn't know what real love is. Stephen and Cat... That's real love. Infatuation I'll believe. Not anything more. We've never really fought. We've never really had to endure any difficulties. We haven't had much but good times, and it's very easy to believe things will always be good when they always have been good.
But I know that's a lie. I'm going to talk to her about this. Hell... that may be our first fight right there. Because if I know Sashra, she'll deflect anything I say unless I really push the issue. And that's to her credit, she's an optimist, but -- this is something you shouldn't fuck around with. Maybe other people, but not me. And not her. I won't let her jump the gun, and end up crushed and brokenhearted if -- IF -- something happens. I know how much that road sucks. And I won't go down that road again either. I'll know when it's time. I'm not saying a thing until I'm sure. And if something happens, IF, then I won't allow myself to be crushed and broken again.
I've spent enough time being hurt and upset. I've paid my dues. I've got a life to live and a future to reach for... We'll see how it goes, when I talk to her. I hope she listens.
Speaking of troubles, Stephen and I had another fight. This time, over his remarks way back when I met Sashra, about how I was interested in her and I wanted to flirt with her. The fact of the matter is, yes, I did end up dating her, but I had no intention of doing that at the time, and no desire to do it then. I just liked her. We had things in common, and Stephen made a crack that was, at the time, snarky and hurtful. Yes, I laid into him... I wasn't exactly kind to Cat either, when she started going off about it, and he understood that...
Sometimes I wonder what to do. Kym says that good intentions ought to count for something, but I constantly, *constantly* feel judged. Not even by the people who are most critical of me. Stephen, and Katie, do it too, and I'm constantly found wanting in their eyes. Kym doesn't judge me, Sashra doesn't -- or if they do they find my actions acceptable -- but somehow that loses some weight when I'm under fire so frequently from OTHER people who I'd hope wouldn't constantly hold me up to their standards and find me lacking. I don't *want* to live my damn life for other people, and I'm fucking *tired* of people going off on me.
But yeah, I know in this case I'm being too hard on them. Both Stephen and Katie were very tired, cranky, or some mixture of the two when they went off on me. Stephen because he's been working hard, Katie because of Liam. I wish Kym was around to talk to, but she's really busy lately, between working at Southland and some new friend she's made. I don't get the chance to talk to her much any more, which makes me a little sad. And I haven't talked to Ronnie ever since the whole mess began with her suspecting Kym. I don't know. Katie is right when she says I'm fixated on love, but that also means friendships, family... Some nights I don't know where to turn. Sashra visiting me on occasion helps me stay sane.
Speaking of Katie, something very bad is going on with her -- with the old underground railroad thing, and that's all we know. I worry about her. I wonder which face of her is the *real* Katie Rose Wylie, sometimes, or if they all are. I wonder a lot of things, these days.
On a personal front, Sashra told me she loves me. At the time this tickled me, but once she left and I thought about it... It started to scare me. I see too many echoes of myself in her. Saying things, as Katie says, I didn't have the experience to know the meaning of. She doesn't know what real love is. Stephen and Cat... That's real love. Infatuation I'll believe. Not anything more. We've never really fought. We've never really had to endure any difficulties. We haven't had much but good times, and it's very easy to believe things will always be good when they always have been good.
But I know that's a lie. I'm going to talk to her about this. Hell... that may be our first fight right there. Because if I know Sashra, she'll deflect anything I say unless I really push the issue. And that's to her credit, she's an optimist, but -- this is something you shouldn't fuck around with. Maybe other people, but not me. And not her. I won't let her jump the gun, and end up crushed and brokenhearted if -- IF -- something happens. I know how much that road sucks. And I won't go down that road again either. I'll know when it's time. I'm not saying a thing until I'm sure. And if something happens, IF, then I won't allow myself to be crushed and broken again.
I've spent enough time being hurt and upset. I've paid my dues. I've got a life to live and a future to reach for... We'll see how it goes, when I talk to her. I hope she listens.
Speaking of troubles, Stephen and I had another fight. This time, over his remarks way back when I met Sashra, about how I was interested in her and I wanted to flirt with her. The fact of the matter is, yes, I did end up dating her, but I had no intention of doing that at the time, and no desire to do it then. I just liked her. We had things in common, and Stephen made a crack that was, at the time, snarky and hurtful. Yes, I laid into him... I wasn't exactly kind to Cat either, when she started going off about it, and he understood that...
Sometimes I wonder what to do. Kym says that good intentions ought to count for something, but I constantly, *constantly* feel judged. Not even by the people who are most critical of me. Stephen, and Katie, do it too, and I'm constantly found wanting in their eyes. Kym doesn't judge me, Sashra doesn't -- or if they do they find my actions acceptable -- but somehow that loses some weight when I'm under fire so frequently from OTHER people who I'd hope wouldn't constantly hold me up to their standards and find me lacking. I don't *want* to live my damn life for other people, and I'm fucking *tired* of people going off on me.
But yeah, I know in this case I'm being too hard on them. Both Stephen and Katie were very tired, cranky, or some mixture of the two when they went off on me. Stephen because he's been working hard, Katie because of Liam. I wish Kym was around to talk to, but she's really busy lately, between working at Southland and some new friend she's made. I don't get the chance to talk to her much any more, which makes me a little sad. And I haven't talked to Ronnie ever since the whole mess began with her suspecting Kym. I don't know. Katie is right when she says I'm fixated on love, but that also means friendships, family... Some nights I don't know where to turn. Sashra visiting me on occasion helps me stay sane.
Speaking of Katie, something very bad is going on with her -- with the old underground railroad thing, and that's all we know. I worry about her. I wonder which face of her is the *real* Katie Rose Wylie, sometimes, or if they all are. I wonder a lot of things, these days.