morganknight (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
morganknight) wrote2004-10-06 08:13 pm
morganknight) wrote2004-10-06 08:13 pm
(no subject)
My life is a fucking yo-yo, and the Rambling Rose Tavern is the string.
So, let's see how things have gone. Seamus did another one of his "Morgan you're the root of all evil" speeches... I just can't even really respond to those any more. My time is better spent just trying to make peace with the fact that he does hate me, and deal with it as best I can. Like enough other people, there is nothing I can do to change his mind. I don't really understand it, even. He says he's at peace with his life, yet he rails about all the "advantages" I have, so I'm not sure how much to believe him. Maybe it stems from the fact that he thought, maybe still thinks, that I'm in love with Katie. I do know for a fact that he's convinced that everything he went through was so bad, I should be happy and smiling because the worst thing in my life is my own soul being stuck in a sword and me being persecuted by a good third of the Nine Traditions.
I'd love to see him take my place for a week. No, I take that back. I can't deny that he's suffered. I just hate that because he doesn't understand what I have to deal with, he discounts it entirely. He'll forgive anyone else anything, and me nothing. And there's nothing I can do about that, except try to make peace with the situation, and try not to engender any hostility around the Rose. (Which means I have to find the fine line between "being snarky" and "sitting there and taking it like a bitch." And when I fail, everyone will have it out for me. Just ducky.)
But after that, Sashra came home with me, and helped me calm down. She always helps. And I have to give Kym credit too for listening and being a good friend. Also, both girls are very good at massage.
So by the time I finally work myself up to going out again, I'm feeling better -- but I shouldn't have. That night was pretty much a disaster. It was "fawn over Angelin" night, and I managed to totally botch a conversation with a girl by the name of Malia. Kym, of course, managed just fine. I eventually ended up stepping outside, just because I couldn't bear to be there any more. Funny, I ended up giving Malia a ride home when I took the girls home. Not home, actually, but a hotel she's staying at. I thought that might have helped break the ice between us. I was wrong, but I didn't find out till later.
The rest of that night was almost disastrous. Sashra, Kym, and I talked about things. Kym nearly got upset and walked out... But she stayed, and then things got much better. She suggested kareoke and we all took turns -- Kym did a Cold song with her magnificent voice, and Sashra and Kym teamed up to totally blow me away with some song I don't know at all. As for myself, I did .45, and I guess me constantly singing it while I practice guitar helped my shitass voice enough to make it sound passable.
So I think once again that I have the strength, fortitude, what have you, to venture back into the Rose. Oh no, this was the best one yet. The fact that Malia totally blew me off and ignored my existence was just a small thing, if a nuisance. No, the big bombshell is that Dakota and Angelin got married.
That's right. Angelin married a slacking, drug-addicted, worthless shell of a boy who thinks violence solves problems, who has no ambitions, no goals, no *anything*. She chose to bind herself to some of the worst traits humanity has to *offer*. Someone who will probably end up beating the crap out of her in a few years, when his frustrations at his own inadequacy and the problems he *can't* beat the crap out of build up too much.
Her life is over. She's *dead*, and whatever walks in her place is just... nothing. Someone who doesn't realize they're dead yet.
And so I mourn.
But I won't end this writing on a sour note. I went back on Tuesday, and for once in my life, something was going right and Katie was there. I haven't seen her in forever, really -- not for any decent period of time, and to have her around was a very nice thing. I'd missed her. It was a... noisy night, but... not quiet, not peaceful, I don't even know what the word is. At least till the very end, where Seamus decided to snipe at me, and somehow I pissed Kym off. I just... said something wrong to her. I ended up finding myself at the dojo, crying my eyes out on Nhairis's shoulder. Eventually I went back, and talked to Kym -- made my apologies, said what needed to be said, and we remain friends. And Nhairis let me run class this morning.
I'm sick of my life being so up and down. I really am.
Okay, I'll end on a good note. Kym got the job at Southland. Sashra seems thrilled and I know she's going to do a great job. I can be happy about that.
So, let's see how things have gone. Seamus did another one of his "Morgan you're the root of all evil" speeches... I just can't even really respond to those any more. My time is better spent just trying to make peace with the fact that he does hate me, and deal with it as best I can. Like enough other people, there is nothing I can do to change his mind. I don't really understand it, even. He says he's at peace with his life, yet he rails about all the "advantages" I have, so I'm not sure how much to believe him. Maybe it stems from the fact that he thought, maybe still thinks, that I'm in love with Katie. I do know for a fact that he's convinced that everything he went through was so bad, I should be happy and smiling because the worst thing in my life is my own soul being stuck in a sword and me being persecuted by a good third of the Nine Traditions.
I'd love to see him take my place for a week. No, I take that back. I can't deny that he's suffered. I just hate that because he doesn't understand what I have to deal with, he discounts it entirely. He'll forgive anyone else anything, and me nothing. And there's nothing I can do about that, except try to make peace with the situation, and try not to engender any hostility around the Rose. (Which means I have to find the fine line between "being snarky" and "sitting there and taking it like a bitch." And when I fail, everyone will have it out for me. Just ducky.)
But after that, Sashra came home with me, and helped me calm down. She always helps. And I have to give Kym credit too for listening and being a good friend. Also, both girls are very good at massage.
So by the time I finally work myself up to going out again, I'm feeling better -- but I shouldn't have. That night was pretty much a disaster. It was "fawn over Angelin" night, and I managed to totally botch a conversation with a girl by the name of Malia. Kym, of course, managed just fine. I eventually ended up stepping outside, just because I couldn't bear to be there any more. Funny, I ended up giving Malia a ride home when I took the girls home. Not home, actually, but a hotel she's staying at. I thought that might have helped break the ice between us. I was wrong, but I didn't find out till later.
The rest of that night was almost disastrous. Sashra, Kym, and I talked about things. Kym nearly got upset and walked out... But she stayed, and then things got much better. She suggested kareoke and we all took turns -- Kym did a Cold song with her magnificent voice, and Sashra and Kym teamed up to totally blow me away with some song I don't know at all. As for myself, I did .45, and I guess me constantly singing it while I practice guitar helped my shitass voice enough to make it sound passable.
So I think once again that I have the strength, fortitude, what have you, to venture back into the Rose. Oh no, this was the best one yet. The fact that Malia totally blew me off and ignored my existence was just a small thing, if a nuisance. No, the big bombshell is that Dakota and Angelin got married.
That's right. Angelin married a slacking, drug-addicted, worthless shell of a boy who thinks violence solves problems, who has no ambitions, no goals, no *anything*. She chose to bind herself to some of the worst traits humanity has to *offer*. Someone who will probably end up beating the crap out of her in a few years, when his frustrations at his own inadequacy and the problems he *can't* beat the crap out of build up too much.
Her life is over. She's *dead*, and whatever walks in her place is just... nothing. Someone who doesn't realize they're dead yet.
And so I mourn.
But I won't end this writing on a sour note. I went back on Tuesday, and for once in my life, something was going right and Katie was there. I haven't seen her in forever, really -- not for any decent period of time, and to have her around was a very nice thing. I'd missed her. It was a... noisy night, but... not quiet, not peaceful, I don't even know what the word is. At least till the very end, where Seamus decided to snipe at me, and somehow I pissed Kym off. I just... said something wrong to her. I ended up finding myself at the dojo, crying my eyes out on Nhairis's shoulder. Eventually I went back, and talked to Kym -- made my apologies, said what needed to be said, and we remain friends. And Nhairis let me run class this morning.
I'm sick of my life being so up and down. I really am.
Okay, I'll end on a good note. Kym got the job at Southland. Sashra seems thrilled and I know she's going to do a great job. I can be happy about that.