morganknight (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
morganknight) wrote2004-08-28 06:05 pm
morganknight) wrote2004-08-28 06:05 pm
(no subject)
Ohhhhh boy.
Well, this has been a hell of a few days. One of those weeks that leave you wondering what the hell happened and where your life stands. And I guess I owe Cat an apology, simply because she was right. Sashra is interested in me.
Ohhhhhhhhh boy.
It all came out last night, after Cat and I got in a big fight over her starting up about my romance life, telling me I should date Sashra and how she and I were flirting all the time. She doesn't seem to get that I HATE when people bring up my romance life! And she doesn't get that it's interfering, or that it drives me crazy. So yes, we had a fight, and she stormed off, and she and Stephen had a fight... Why do I always seem to bring this level of devastation to everyone around me? It's like just by existing, I manage to throw chaos and misery into all who surround me! Why? Why why?!
And yet it all came out. Maiko and Sashra dumped a load of good karma and good cheer on me, seeing in me things that I can't, that might not be there. I never know what to say to that; I don't know how I could believe it. And yet when they say it it's true. And then Sashra said she was interested. She sounded like I might have, in her place, panicking and worrying about if she'd hurt me, if I'd be mad, if I'd hate her. Well, I'm not mad, I don't hate her. I'm a little flattered, actually.
But I don't want to hurt her. I don't know if I'm ready. Ronnie says no, Stephen says I should be past needing to heal by now, I know what Cat and Maiko think (and I kind of have to discount their answers, along with Seamus and Katie, as failing to entirely understand how I feel about this whole topic). Nhairis wants to meet her. That would be a good thing.
At least with Sashra, I know she'll still be my friend no matter what. That's more important to me than anything. And thinking about it, I realize that with the other girls I knew, we weren't really friends for very long at all before we started dating. I wonder if that means anything.
Damn, damn. What to do.
Well, this has been a hell of a few days. One of those weeks that leave you wondering what the hell happened and where your life stands. And I guess I owe Cat an apology, simply because she was right. Sashra is interested in me.
Ohhhhhhhhh boy.
It all came out last night, after Cat and I got in a big fight over her starting up about my romance life, telling me I should date Sashra and how she and I were flirting all the time. She doesn't seem to get that I HATE when people bring up my romance life! And she doesn't get that it's interfering, or that it drives me crazy. So yes, we had a fight, and she stormed off, and she and Stephen had a fight... Why do I always seem to bring this level of devastation to everyone around me? It's like just by existing, I manage to throw chaos and misery into all who surround me! Why? Why why?!
And yet it all came out. Maiko and Sashra dumped a load of good karma and good cheer on me, seeing in me things that I can't, that might not be there. I never know what to say to that; I don't know how I could believe it. And yet when they say it it's true. And then Sashra said she was interested. She sounded like I might have, in her place, panicking and worrying about if she'd hurt me, if I'd be mad, if I'd hate her. Well, I'm not mad, I don't hate her. I'm a little flattered, actually.
But I don't want to hurt her. I don't know if I'm ready. Ronnie says no, Stephen says I should be past needing to heal by now, I know what Cat and Maiko think (and I kind of have to discount their answers, along with Seamus and Katie, as failing to entirely understand how I feel about this whole topic). Nhairis wants to meet her. That would be a good thing.
At least with Sashra, I know she'll still be my friend no matter what. That's more important to me than anything. And thinking about it, I realize that with the other girls I knew, we weren't really friends for very long at all before we started dating. I wonder if that means anything.
Damn, damn. What to do.