(no subject)

Sat on it too long, waited too long, now I have too much to write. I'm an idiot.

Let's see. I had to rescue Katie from a lynch mob the other night. Seems that her group, the one Seamus made her quit, got all but wiped out in a raid. I remember Seamus getting shot.. I remember the kitchen of the Rose exploding... I don't really remember much more after that. It's like I was there, but dreaming... I guess I was under a lot of stress and my memories kind of got strange there. Earlier that day, I found out Val's father had died, and when I tried to help her -- she wanted revenge, of course -- Sal and, surprisingly, Cass, *laid* into me for trying to take her vengeance away. It was bullshit, but then again, it's okay to judge my actions and intentions quickly and without logical grounds, isn't it?

Anyway, back on track... Katie had gone off to help her friends, and she sent me some text messages asking for help. I finally caught up with her just in time to save her from a lynch mob. My only regret is that they didn't suffer more.

Things like that... Katie told me she had her eye on me, once, way back when we first met. That... I can't even begin to imagine that without hearing circuitry shorting out in my brain. I can't even remember a time when she and Seamus weren't together -- they tell me there was a nice span there, but maybe I just intuited that they were a good couple from the start, and mentally registered them as one when I saw them. And... more and more, I become convinced that she's not really happy with Seamus. They have their good times, yes, they love each other, they have a family, but.. I think Seamus constrains her. Not on purpose. He just has a different set of goals and priorities... and, well, conditions. It holds her back. I don't know what to suggest to her on that -- hell, I know I shouldn't say a thing till she brings it up, and she just might never. All I'm good for is teaching martial arts and throwing immense quantities of cash around. I don't even know what she really wants out of life.

I'd like to help her find it, though. I know what *I* want. I want to learn and keep learning, I want to be successful as a businessman and as a person. And I want to open a dojo someday. *That* will be my greatest achievement. Teaching. Not just martial arts, but *life*. Something I'm not good at myself, but I'm not bad with the philosophy behind it.

Rambling. Cass has a boyfriend now, go figure. I met him at Easter dinner. He seems like a punk, but he's a tolerable one -- at least I can see why Cass likes him. He reminds me of her just a little. I wish Cass were happier, but then, who don't I wish that for? That's a general statement, not a specific one. Cass just needs to be happier. So does Irina. So do I. At least they aren't quite so alone, more power to them.

I miss having someone who could bring light to my soul. Not that my soul is dark with evil, but it's a dark and lonely place. Sashra brought light to it. Even Cadence did, back when. Wow, there's a name that has almost no meaning to it any more. Time *does* heal wounds. Or maybe the other wounds just open up on top of the first ones, thus rendering the original wounds meaningless. I need a girl whose light brings my soul courage, hope, and grace... but I think Rhydin is out of girls like that.

Cat still wants a chocobo. I don't think she understands that the damn birds are far smarter than any given horse or cat or whatnot. It can and will cause havoc, because Cat is indulgent and loving and has no space in her kind heart for discipline. Frustrating as that girl is, I love her. In many ways t's good to have a female friend to whom I'm not attracted. Not to say that she's unattractive, I just have no desire to date her or anything. I'm glad beyond words that she and Stephen found each other. They're so good for each other. Maybe they'd get into less conflict if they were more alike, but they both give each other something the other needs.

I want to have a party. I'll invite everyone. We'll come to my apartment, and just sit around, and be friends. That would be nice.