(no subject)

Eh heh. Eh heh heh heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh HOW FUCKED UP IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, HUH?!

Okay, back up, brain work.

So last night Stephen calls me -- tells me Rose is pregnant. Great, I said, fine I said, but it's none of my business. Stephen doesn't get it. Turns out Seamus and Rose hadn't told anyone about the note. (Why? We'll get to that.) So it turns out that just... no one noticed, or cared, that I was gone for two weeks without word. Ouch.

Then Ronnie, this morning, tells me that Seamus doesn't know a thing about the note. The note... in Rose's handwriting. Seamus doesn't know anything about it. So either Rose did it on her own -- or she didn't do it at all. Neither of those possibilities makes sense.

Ronnie is convinced it's a fake, because why would they do something like that to me? But Ronnie has never been around to see them really upset with me... Seamus telling me how bad I am for Rose, how I'm just awful, or Rose getting upset, telling me she doesn't want to be my sister any more... I don't know what it is I did, but it's easy enough to believe I did SOMEthing. But part of me -- hell, ALL of me -- wants to believe that it was just a big misunderstanding, that somehow, they don't hate me. I guess the only way to do that is to risk it and go back in.

If the note isn't real... if Ronnie is right...

Then hell. I have my sister back, my family, my nephew... my new niece or nephew to cone. But -- I can't get my hopes up. CAN't. For me, that's suicidal.

In other news, life is even weirder. Lila popped back up begging me to come help her -- her cousin Maya has a crush on a Marauder and can I please come help? Well, wouldn't you know it turns into an epic battle, with Marauders and random Choristers and... I don't really remember what happened. One minute we were talking, the next... the fucker clawed my face off, and I'd impaled him, in MIDAIR, and I don't know how I got up there or where the ten minutes in between had gone.

...Rereading that, I realize I can't tell anyone about it. Too many problems going around already.

So random Chorister turns out to be a girl named Kymerith, who doesn't want to kill me. A REASONABLE CHORISTER?! WHAT THE HELL?! But she says that she believes my sword needs to be with me right now, for whatever reason, and that she supports me as much as she can. Interesting. I wonder if there's some string of fate at work here.

And the scariest news is that I actually asked Sashra out. On a real, honest, serious date. It's funny to say that... she doesn't make me feel quite like any other girl I've ever asked out. With them, there was that peculiar sort of swirly hazy feeling that comes from a sharp spike of interest. With Sashra, I'm clear-minded, clear-headed... I know who I am and where I stand with her. I think it may actually prove difficult, after a couple of months, to think of her in terms of a potential romantic partner instead of a really good friend. Wait, scratch that. In addition to being, not instead of.

I wonder if this is the right decision, but I don't worry about it. Sashra... I trust her. If nothing else -- and there's a lot else -- she's earned my trust a hundred times over. And in retrospect, I've never dated anyone I really knew before. Not friends, just girls I met who an interest sparked with. Maybe if I had known them better, I wouldn't have made the mistakes I did. Certainly I can say that for Irina... I probably would have never asked her out if I'd known her longer, if I'd seen that initial illusion break down. Maybe I would have seen Cadence was... well, fickle. I do know that I have a good feeling about this. Not that there's any certainty or guarantees, but I'm pretty damn sure Sashra and I can trust each other.

Anyway. Time to digest all this. Digest, prepare, and hope.