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Jun. 1st, 2004 12:19 amI took today off as a personal day, except for my usual training with Nhairis. I really need it after the past couple of days. Especially last night.
Last night -- Katie broke down on my shoulder. In a very few ways that's good, I suppose. Somewhere inside her she still loves me and trusts me, and wants me to be her heart-brother. I don't know -- hell, I'm sure -- I can't still talk to her like I used to, but... maybe whatever gulf is between us is starting to heal. It can't happen soon enough as far as I'm concerned.
Unfortunately, it won't happen any time soon, because Katie *did* break down. Very badly. She ended up crying three separate times at least, the last one so bad she sent herself to sleep. So much emotion. She hates her father, but she wants a normal life. She's afraid, I think -- afraid of life in Rhydin, where it's so hard to be a normal person. After the orders for Seamus, lately -- and her being kidnapped to ensure his complicity -- who can blame her? It breaks my heart to see her so hurt...
...But what can I say? I'm a Tradition mage. I'm part of an organization that believes you have to have that *bad* in order to have that *good* as well. And the good, I can see very clearly. Rhydin is, I think, a *good* place. A place of infinite possibility. It's a place where Stephen can meet Cat, and Don, and all his friends. Where I can meet Katie. Where Seamus can find a big brother turtle who'll buy him a bar. There's no other place I know of where that can happen. Certainly not on Earth. But there is bad, too, and people like my heart-sister seem to take the brunt of it. I wish I could take some of that weight off their shoulders, somehow or another. The only real way I can, though, is with money, and I can't do that directly. I need to start stuffing the till more when they're not looking. Every little bit helps, right?
I tried to set things right with Seamus last night, but... it's hopeless, I swear to God it's hopeless. Nothing I do ever come off right, and it seems everything just ends up with Seamus more and more pissed at me. Even with Katie still wanting me to be her heart-brother, I'm afraid *that* will end up wrecking things more than anything. Not intentionally, not on anyone's part, but I don't even feel comfortable sitting and talking to her any more, not when I have to think about Seamus getting more and more annoyed that I even exist, let alone speak to his beloved. God, I wish I knew what to do with this whole mess.
Last night I was stopped, halfway home, by -- nothing. Turns out someone had pulled the Infinity off the ground an inch, and all the gear-shifting in the world wouldn't get it back on the ground. I got out to see who was yanking my chain, and met one "G10rf!nde1", who politely introduced himself as a Virtual Adept-for-hire, in the employ of I-knew-who, and wouldn't I please hand over the Tradition Blade? Hell no, I said. Fine, he said, and told me he'd get it one way or another. He just thought it was *sporting* to give me fair warning that he was after it. Bastard thinks highly of himself, but to judge from his teleport he's at *least* Disciple-level. I could be outgunned here.
He did clue me in one one thing -- the Technocracy has a Construct here. He said he was telling me for both our benefits. Combination VE/ItX/Prog Construct, with HITMarks on tap. That's probably the only way they survive here in this wacky land, with severe firepower. I don't think we have to worry, there's no way they could pick me out from everything else in this realm. Still, what is the Technocracy here for? And why now?
I'm so confused, and so lost. I caught myself missing Cadence, earlier today, and now I can't help but hate myself for that weakness. She wouldn't care, even if she remembered I exist.
I can't talk to Lila about this, she'd end up blaming herself somehow. I can't talk to Angelin about this, she's gone, and I half don't expect her to come back, or to be at all charitably inclined to me when she does. Stephen and Katie both have way too many problems for me to add on... Nhairis deserves peace from me, for once, with all the other problems I've dumped in her lap, and I don't think she'd understand or be able to help -- just worry, and I can live without causing her more worry. I'm glad I decided to keep a journal. At least I have somewhere to vent.
Last night -- Katie broke down on my shoulder. In a very few ways that's good, I suppose. Somewhere inside her she still loves me and trusts me, and wants me to be her heart-brother. I don't know -- hell, I'm sure -- I can't still talk to her like I used to, but... maybe whatever gulf is between us is starting to heal. It can't happen soon enough as far as I'm concerned.
Unfortunately, it won't happen any time soon, because Katie *did* break down. Very badly. She ended up crying three separate times at least, the last one so bad she sent herself to sleep. So much emotion. She hates her father, but she wants a normal life. She's afraid, I think -- afraid of life in Rhydin, where it's so hard to be a normal person. After the orders for Seamus, lately -- and her being kidnapped to ensure his complicity -- who can blame her? It breaks my heart to see her so hurt...
...But what can I say? I'm a Tradition mage. I'm part of an organization that believes you have to have that *bad* in order to have that *good* as well. And the good, I can see very clearly. Rhydin is, I think, a *good* place. A place of infinite possibility. It's a place where Stephen can meet Cat, and Don, and all his friends. Where I can meet Katie. Where Seamus can find a big brother turtle who'll buy him a bar. There's no other place I know of where that can happen. Certainly not on Earth. But there is bad, too, and people like my heart-sister seem to take the brunt of it. I wish I could take some of that weight off their shoulders, somehow or another. The only real way I can, though, is with money, and I can't do that directly. I need to start stuffing the till more when they're not looking. Every little bit helps, right?
I tried to set things right with Seamus last night, but... it's hopeless, I swear to God it's hopeless. Nothing I do ever come off right, and it seems everything just ends up with Seamus more and more pissed at me. Even with Katie still wanting me to be her heart-brother, I'm afraid *that* will end up wrecking things more than anything. Not intentionally, not on anyone's part, but I don't even feel comfortable sitting and talking to her any more, not when I have to think about Seamus getting more and more annoyed that I even exist, let alone speak to his beloved. God, I wish I knew what to do with this whole mess.
Last night I was stopped, halfway home, by -- nothing. Turns out someone had pulled the Infinity off the ground an inch, and all the gear-shifting in the world wouldn't get it back on the ground. I got out to see who was yanking my chain, and met one "G10rf!nde1", who politely introduced himself as a Virtual Adept-for-hire, in the employ of I-knew-who, and wouldn't I please hand over the Tradition Blade? Hell no, I said. Fine, he said, and told me he'd get it one way or another. He just thought it was *sporting* to give me fair warning that he was after it. Bastard thinks highly of himself, but to judge from his teleport he's at *least* Disciple-level. I could be outgunned here.
He did clue me in one one thing -- the Technocracy has a Construct here. He said he was telling me for both our benefits. Combination VE/ItX/Prog Construct, with HITMarks on tap. That's probably the only way they survive here in this wacky land, with severe firepower. I don't think we have to worry, there's no way they could pick me out from everything else in this realm. Still, what is the Technocracy here for? And why now?
I'm so confused, and so lost. I caught myself missing Cadence, earlier today, and now I can't help but hate myself for that weakness. She wouldn't care, even if she remembered I exist.
I can't talk to Lila about this, she'd end up blaming herself somehow. I can't talk to Angelin about this, she's gone, and I half don't expect her to come back, or to be at all charitably inclined to me when she does. Stephen and Katie both have way too many problems for me to add on... Nhairis deserves peace from me, for once, with all the other problems I've dumped in her lap, and I don't think she'd understand or be able to help -- just worry, and I can live without causing her more worry. I'm glad I decided to keep a journal. At least I have somewhere to vent.
