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Feb. 24th, 2004 05:26 pmMy life is up and down.
I wish, I wish, I wish I had Stephen's ability to do things right. He's smarter than me, more personable, more likeable. All the people we know think the world of him -- as opposed to myself, who gets disdain at best and outright violence at worst. Right when I thought I could do some good, help a friend... Here's Stephen, doing a better job than I ever could.
It's selfish, but... I see myself as having two paths to walk. Either I distance myself from everyone -- become a hermit, stop caring about people, move to a mountaintop to train or the like -- or I find my place, which necessitates finding some sort of *acceptance* amongst the people we associate with. And I don't have a place, any place at all. To Rose I'm money, someone to fund her schemes and provide her with the resources to hide. To Cat I'm just another guy; to Seamus, Don, and Syd I'm an aggravation, though in different ways to each; to Irina I'm an object of resentment... Even Stephen doesn't have any real *need* for me -- he's got a girl, a family, a mentor, other friends. Who *am* I? Where do I *belong*? I have to have some role in life other than "well-meaning loser", and yet try as I might I simply can't find it.
I know who I am. That's easy. But if I don't find my place in the world, I may have to define myself apart from the world. And I don't want to do that. I like being with my friends, the people I know. Even if the feeling isn't always mutual.
Hell, let's face it, Don is going to kick my ass till there's no more ass left to kick, once he finds out I lied to him and have been hiding Rose from Seamus. Seamus is going to kick my ass too, or do something desperate, because he's already jealous of me -- which makes no bloody sense, but there you go. ...Seamus looks *awful*. Absolutely awful. Everyone is going to come out of this hating me for protecting Rose. God. I don't know what to do.
Still, last night went very well -- aside from the Rose debacle. Jack can't be in on the panty raid, unfortunately. We were discussing plans on the porch when the girls -- Cat, Irina, and Cadence -- whipped out the snowball fight on our asses. We gave as good as we got -- Irina and Cat both got tackled into the snow, just my damn luck I didn't get to tackle Cadence. I'm sure they know about our plans for tomorrow, but Stephen and I are going ahead with them anyway.
Cadence and I settled down to talk a while. We bantered questions back and forth and she even curled up close to me to get warm -- then all of a sudden some jackass starts sticking her with telepathy. She tells the guy to stay out of her mind, but she's looking like shit. I actually get away with giving her not only a hug, but a smooch on the cheek. (I can't believe I got away with that.) She says she didn't expect it, which was cool because it means I can throw her for a loop!
I really need to get myself a *place* to call my own. Not just an apartment, but in a holistic way -- a place in the universe, a place I belong. I guess I have to keep looking...
I wish, I wish, I wish I had Stephen's ability to do things right. He's smarter than me, more personable, more likeable. All the people we know think the world of him -- as opposed to myself, who gets disdain at best and outright violence at worst. Right when I thought I could do some good, help a friend... Here's Stephen, doing a better job than I ever could.
It's selfish, but... I see myself as having two paths to walk. Either I distance myself from everyone -- become a hermit, stop caring about people, move to a mountaintop to train or the like -- or I find my place, which necessitates finding some sort of *acceptance* amongst the people we associate with. And I don't have a place, any place at all. To Rose I'm money, someone to fund her schemes and provide her with the resources to hide. To Cat I'm just another guy; to Seamus, Don, and Syd I'm an aggravation, though in different ways to each; to Irina I'm an object of resentment... Even Stephen doesn't have any real *need* for me -- he's got a girl, a family, a mentor, other friends. Who *am* I? Where do I *belong*? I have to have some role in life other than "well-meaning loser", and yet try as I might I simply can't find it.
I know who I am. That's easy. But if I don't find my place in the world, I may have to define myself apart from the world. And I don't want to do that. I like being with my friends, the people I know. Even if the feeling isn't always mutual.
Hell, let's face it, Don is going to kick my ass till there's no more ass left to kick, once he finds out I lied to him and have been hiding Rose from Seamus. Seamus is going to kick my ass too, or do something desperate, because he's already jealous of me -- which makes no bloody sense, but there you go. ...Seamus looks *awful*. Absolutely awful. Everyone is going to come out of this hating me for protecting Rose. God. I don't know what to do.
Still, last night went very well -- aside from the Rose debacle. Jack can't be in on the panty raid, unfortunately. We were discussing plans on the porch when the girls -- Cat, Irina, and Cadence -- whipped out the snowball fight on our asses. We gave as good as we got -- Irina and Cat both got tackled into the snow, just my damn luck I didn't get to tackle Cadence. I'm sure they know about our plans for tomorrow, but Stephen and I are going ahead with them anyway.
Cadence and I settled down to talk a while. We bantered questions back and forth and she even curled up close to me to get warm -- then all of a sudden some jackass starts sticking her with telepathy. She tells the guy to stay out of her mind, but she's looking like shit. I actually get away with giving her not only a hug, but a smooch on the cheek. (I can't believe I got away with that.) She says she didn't expect it, which was cool because it means I can throw her for a loop!
I really need to get myself a *place* to call my own. Not just an apartment, but in a holistic way -- a place in the universe, a place I belong. I guess I have to keep looking...
