morganknight (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
morganknight) wrote2004-05-29 03:04 am
morganknight) wrote2004-05-29 03:04 am
(no subject)
It's over, it's over, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. I can't do this any more, I just can't.
Add Katie -- Rose -- to the list, behind Stephen, Cat, Irina, Cadence, *everyone* who just learned to hate or distance themselves from me I knew, I tried to deny it, but I knew she'd put a wall between us. Ever since that one evening where she walked away, I've been nothing special and no one important to her. I tried to ignore it, but she barely talks to me, she's pretty much ignored me as much as possible when I'm around. Now, she's terrified of me when she's upset, and I'm of far less use to her than a perfect stranger is...
I have to let her go. I have to let her out of being my heart-family. It was a mistake to ever ask her. I should have known she'd just end up hating me. I should have known that she'd see how worthless I am, how much I'd hurt her. It doesn't help that I'm irrevocably connected with the people who are ordering Seamus to do things. It also doesn't help that Seamus hates my guts, and there's nothing at all I can do to stop that.
I've called Lila, I told her I couldn't date her any more. I sent a letter to Angelin saying the same. I know they'll be hurt, but better this than I hurt one or both of them terribly -- be it by picking, or just being me. At least this way I can keep them as casual friends. So long as I never let them too close. Never let anyone too close ever again. I'll just hurt them, and be hurt myself. I'm going to be alone the rest of my life, and it's so much better that way. So much better for everyone if I just keep them at arm's length, and never dare open myself up again.
I have a promising career as an Akashic Brother ahead of me. It's time to devote myself to my martial arts, and accept that all the dreams I have about my life are fantasies, no more real than a holotheater illusion...
Add Katie -- Rose -- to the list, behind Stephen, Cat, Irina, Cadence, *everyone* who just learned to hate or distance themselves from me I knew, I tried to deny it, but I knew she'd put a wall between us. Ever since that one evening where she walked away, I've been nothing special and no one important to her. I tried to ignore it, but she barely talks to me, she's pretty much ignored me as much as possible when I'm around. Now, she's terrified of me when she's upset, and I'm of far less use to her than a perfect stranger is...
I have to let her go. I have to let her out of being my heart-family. It was a mistake to ever ask her. I should have known she'd just end up hating me. I should have known that she'd see how worthless I am, how much I'd hurt her. It doesn't help that I'm irrevocably connected with the people who are ordering Seamus to do things. It also doesn't help that Seamus hates my guts, and there's nothing at all I can do to stop that.
I've called Lila, I told her I couldn't date her any more. I sent a letter to Angelin saying the same. I know they'll be hurt, but better this than I hurt one or both of them terribly -- be it by picking, or just being me. At least this way I can keep them as casual friends. So long as I never let them too close. Never let anyone too close ever again. I'll just hurt them, and be hurt myself. I'm going to be alone the rest of my life, and it's so much better that way. So much better for everyone if I just keep them at arm's length, and never dare open myself up again.
I have a promising career as an Akashic Brother ahead of me. It's time to devote myself to my martial arts, and accept that all the dreams I have about my life are fantasies, no more real than a holotheater illusion...