morganknight (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
morganknight) wrote2004-03-30 06:03 pm
morganknight) wrote2004-03-30 06:03 pm
(no subject)
Last night was a lousy night, but today is looking to be a better day.
Cadence came over last night, feeling terribly sorry that she couldn't say she reciprocated my feelings. Was that really all that was bothering her? I didn't know she'd feel that by not doing so, she'd feel like she was telling me she didn't care about me. I know she cares about me. I wouldn't want her to ever say anything she wasn't sure she meant, especially something as important as this.
I told her that I wouldn't mention it again till she was ready, and she seemed to be okay with it. We hugged, and she came in to curl up with me. I've missed snuggling up to her terribly.
Katie also agreed, obliquely, to a family adoption -- not that we're going to be termed as close as siblings, but it's something at least.
So.. I have a girlfriend, and a family now. And these are good things.
But I've lost a sister and a mentor, and those wounds won't go away just because good things are happening too. I slept in, today. For the first time in a long time I didn't have to get up and go train with Nhairis. I don't have *any*one to train with. It's very difficult for me to accept, when I'd just gotten used to training with her.
It's hard, having these ups and downs, especially when they're at the same time. Worse, all around me happy family moments are occurring, and Stephen's been all but adopted himself by Don -- special training. Wonder what that's about.
Much as I wish it were otherwise, having a girlfriend and a... cousin? ... are not everything I need. I need an *identity*, a *purpose*....
Cadence came over last night, feeling terribly sorry that she couldn't say she reciprocated my feelings. Was that really all that was bothering her? I didn't know she'd feel that by not doing so, she'd feel like she was telling me she didn't care about me. I know she cares about me. I wouldn't want her to ever say anything she wasn't sure she meant, especially something as important as this.
I told her that I wouldn't mention it again till she was ready, and she seemed to be okay with it. We hugged, and she came in to curl up with me. I've missed snuggling up to her terribly.
Katie also agreed, obliquely, to a family adoption -- not that we're going to be termed as close as siblings, but it's something at least.
So.. I have a girlfriend, and a family now. And these are good things.
But I've lost a sister and a mentor, and those wounds won't go away just because good things are happening too. I slept in, today. For the first time in a long time I didn't have to get up and go train with Nhairis. I don't have *any*one to train with. It's very difficult for me to accept, when I'd just gotten used to training with her.
It's hard, having these ups and downs, especially when they're at the same time. Worse, all around me happy family moments are occurring, and Stephen's been all but adopted himself by Don -- special training. Wonder what that's about.
Much as I wish it were otherwise, having a girlfriend and a... cousin? ... are not everything I need. I need an *identity*, a *purpose*....