I almost, almost, ALMOST think things are starting to look up.
Don't get me wrong, there's still plenty to complain about. Depressingly, Irina seems intent on putting herself at the top of that list. I have to say I'm -- well, part of me is disgusted that she still blames me for our date going wrong. That was years ago. YEARS. This should have been a lesson to me about trying to help people! One I should have learned from, I swear. I'm actually glad our first date went so poorly, now; trying to have a serious relationship with that girl would've been disasterous. I'm hardly going to apologize for trying to help her, and expressing the sincere worry that a relationship with her would've meant compromising my friendships with others.
Not that that didn't end up happening anyway. But I didn't see it coming, that time. Ugh. I mess up so many things.
But how long can someone hold a grudge? The other part of me isn't surprised at all. I'm just well aware that she will, in perpetuity, hold this against me. That I don't really care about, any more. I can't make her forgive me, and I have no obligation to do so even if I could. But accusing me of judging her?
Yes, she accused me of judging her. After she claims she doesn't judge her friends. I stand by what I said then: I'm not her friend because she judges me all the damn time. Even my silly comments and obvious jokes she takes personally, as if I've devoted my life to taking her down. Do I judge my friends? Better to say I don't make friends out of people whose conduct and standards of behavior are completely antithetical to my own. If she wants to call a sociopathic amoral murderer a friend, then she ought to be prepared when people make inferences about her from that decision! Meanwhile, what have I done for her? Given her a place to stay (twice) and support after she lost a lover? Helped her kick a drug habit she foolishly got into? (And if I was judging her, would I have really helped her with that? News flash: I don't blame Irina for that. She was tricked. She was naive and foolish, sure, but she didn't set out to do it maliciously or hurt anyone).
God. How come Cass is my friend, if I'm so judgmental?
Seamus wants to know why I feel I can't do anything right by her? Because she still holds this petty little grudge against me after all these years. But Seamus is another bone of contention right now. Honestly, why in hell does he think he knows martial arts, my training style, and what's best for me? Always question, question, question, as if I'm some bloody idiot who hasn't the slightest idea what I'm doing. And then when I explain it, it's not, "Oh, okay, I understand now," it's "I'm giving up, because you're so stupid and senseless I'm not even going to bother arguing with you, but you're still wrong, wrong, wrong." As if he knows! Which one of us is the person who spent 17 years training? Which one of us is the one who's training under, literally, the world's greatest martial artist? Damn know-it-all. Next time he starts up with this stuff, I'm going to tell him off.
At least after all this time, our friendship is strong enough that we can HAVE that sort of telling-off occur without it going sour. And that's a very good thing. We're family now... who would have thought that'd it occur, looking at us all those years ago?
Sheena came over the other day, just to thank me for sticking with her during all that mess. Did not see that one coming! It's... really nice to know that she appreciated all that. She certainly didn't seem to at the time! And she was also wearing shorts, so that was all good. Um... I guessed, pretty accurately it seems, that she has some interest in me. I tried to let her down as gently as I could, and it actually seemed to work. I mean, maybe she was hurt and just hiding it, but it didn't seem like it was too bad. It's kind of a pity, really. If I didn't have Aten I'd have dated her, but... she's got some maturing to do before she could be a good mother to my baby, and that's more important than anything. Still... I'm glad to have a friend, and glad to have her consider me a friend. I wish she and Stormy would get along better, but oh well. Can't always have what I want.
Speaking of Stormy, I taught her about birthday celebrations! I cooked for her, made pie, and got her a matched pair of hand-forged swords... and she liked it all! She really seemed to enjoy it! I was worried I'd screw it up somehow, but it all went really well!
She seems to be doing better in general, lately, for which I'm grateful. Aside from certain Sals and Sins being insistent on butting their way into her life no matter how strongly she asserts she doesn't want them there, in general she's happier and doing better. I'm really proud of myself for suggesting she volunteer at the animal shelter. I just hopes she picks up her own animals sometime soon! I wish she'd take a chocobo. Maybe I should give her a little push on that again. She'd be a good choco-mommy.
Been making efforts lately to hang out with some friends I don't see enough of, Stephen and Cass mostly. Carolyn has been great lately, too, in her Carolyny sort of way.
Why am I convinced everything is going to collapse? I'm so damn cynical. No, I'm happy, or at least content, and things are going well. Let's stay the course.